Armed To the Peen

You know what? This makes perfect sense to me.

British Man’s Arm Will Become His Penis

I can’t decide which hed I like better though, so I’ll post both.

I’ve bedded over 100 women… but I don’t have a penis

Andrew dreams of surgery to change his life

Thanks to the The Sun and The Inquistr. My god, to be a fly on those copy desks when the editors start brainstorming heds. I can almost hear ’em now: “Ok, think penis, arm, sex…Hmm..a man who has had sex with over 100 woman but has no peen. Hmm..how ever shall we come up with a clever hed?”

Or something like that.

Here’s the tale of the peen, or of the arm, or of the arm-peen. Ugh. I don’t know. Just play along for shits and giggles.

Turns out, Andrew Wardle, 39, is quite the casanova for someone so young. He’s bright, funny AND good looking. He has various physical ailments–like an ectopic bladder–born with it formed on the outside–various kidney issues, berries but no twig, and a myriad of other, fun health problems.

In other words, he’s a trim magnet.

(courtesy 24Tanzania.com)

(courtesy 24Tanzania.com)

But here’s the rub (shut UP), he’s lacking one organ that is quite essential to the act of bumpin’ uglies: He is sans penis, and is so distraught about it, he never told his mates AND has contemplated suicide.

Huh?

Was he diddling blind women? I mean, I’m a woman and we do engage in such bawdy talk with our female friends. Think “Sex & The City” but much more graphic and grisly. Nothing is sacred, guys, remember that the next time you make a snide comment about a woman’s body because there is a VERY good chance she’s telling all of her friends at what a horrible lay you are.

OR, she’s being kind and raving about your enormous schvantz.

There’s no grey area here–it’s one, or the other, mmkay?

And to answer your question, I have no idea how that works. It’s a, um, head scratcher.

Back to the MIA peen. Looks like Mr. Wardle is having some sort of reconstruction surgery this summer, AND the surgeons are going to fashion something resembling a penis out of his arm.

Hang on, I gotta look at my arm for a sec.

Huh. I guess using a body part to fashion it into another body part makes sense, but if my arm was used, the results would be covered in freckles. And, that’s errs on the side of creepy because I don’t need a penis–I get mine on the outside–so why I checked out my arm as a possible candidate, I have no idea.

Anyhoo, here’s a little visual about how things are gonna go down for Mr. Wardle in a British operating theatre this summer.

(courtesy of The Inquistr)

(courtesy of The Inquistr)

Usually medical procedures, or certain painful events that only men can relate to (i.e. getting kicked in the balls) don’t cause me to wince because, really, I can’t relate to what it feels like to get a prostate exam.

However, this photo speaks for all of us when the idea of this operation finally sinks in.

r-PENIS-CUT-OFF-large570

Godspeed, Andy.

Pristine privates

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SALTY LANGUAGE AND IMAGES. IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED, CLICK AWAY NOW!

Just when I thought I knew all about being a lady, I came across this tidbit.

“You And Your Sex Life: An

Illustrated Guide Book For

Women”

It’s from 1948. I’ll prove it.

A sampling:

“If you are a married woman and still find yourself indulging in masturbation to obtain an orgasm, there is something wrong with your marital relations. Try to work out an improved technique with your husband that will give you the sexual fulfillment you desire.” 

Marital relations? No wonder women played patty cake with themselves, and while we’re on the subject what’s wrong with women jackin’ it? Masturbation has been around for centuries. If god didn’t want the ladies to she-bop, he wouldn’t have invented fingers, long arms, and snatches. And let’s be honest here: sometimes sex just ain’t enough and, well, you get the rest.

I’ve jacked it three times since writing this post.

Kidding … maybe.

More, more, MORE.

“Many married women still masturbate but only because neither they nor their husbands know enough about the art of love to obtain full satisfaction  in the [WAIT FOR IT] normal act of coitus.” 

Coitus? No wonder married women masturbated back in the day. Who the hell would want to coit? Or whatever the root of coitus is? Sounds like something you need antibiotic ointment for after partaking in ‘sucky sucky for fi dollah’ while vacationing in Cambodia. 

I suggest reading the above link because I’m sure you haven’t seen the word ‘smegma’ in print in a long, long time — and you’ll want to see it to believe it. Now there’s a word that just isn’t used enough today.

******************************************************************

While we’re knee-deep in smut, let’s chat about manscaping.

Open up and say ahhh!

Manscaping is on my mind because of a post I came across earlier today courtesy of the Daily Beast.

Why ‘Manscaping’ Isn’t Just for

Porn Stars Anymore

As far as I’m concerned, mowing around the twig & berries was never just for porn stars or dudes who are part of the Provincetown Male Revue. Let’s face the bare facts here: Man bits are not that easy on the eyes. Add copious amounts of unruly brillo pad-esque hair and you’ve got a very hairy baby arm holding a puckered, rotten crab apple. Eww. I know, I know, you see that image every time you blink but it’ll subside with time. Or with a direct hit to the skull with a ball-peen hammer.

“The Atlantic reported this month that female pubic hair in America is on the road to extinction, but that’s a bit like noting the spotted owl is an endangered species. Grooming and waxing experts say the latest trend in pubic hair removal isn’t targeted at women—it’s for the guys. There’s evidence of this all around us (if you dare to look). The most startling aspect of seeing Anthony Weiner’s penis in a leaked iPhone sext earlier this year wasn’t its size, but that it looked like a plucked chicken. The same is true of other celebrities’ trimmed full-monty shots, from football player Brett Favre to Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz.”

Pete Wentz? They just had to go there. Hang on a sec, I’m imagining what Leo Sayer would look like naked. Hey, anyone is better than Pete Wentz. Also, I take issue with seeing the words ‘spotted owl’ and ‘female pubic hair’ in the same sentence. It reminds of the classic lyrics “One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong … ”

(I don’t want the sweats to fall off either, folks.)

I’m all for manscaping. Plenty of us gals do the lady kind, so why shouldn’t men? I posed this question to my pal Squatty, and here’s what he had to say. (bless his brilliant wit and his, um, bare-man bits)

“There are highly educated pseudo-scientists idiots there called psychologists who have spun theories about this trend, linking male preference for hairlessness generally, and on female parts specifically, with “infantilism,” which is another completely fictional condition of their own manufacture. But I’d suggest the popular trend toward the porn star look suggests that this is nothing more sinister than evolving aesthetics, a change in opinion about beauty and sexual attraction. 

Idiots.  They never get it right.

Or maybe more men are shaving their nuts because of bedbugs.  Yeah, that must be it.”

Over and out.

Head of the class

Hey gals! Feeling bored with your current career, or are you just bored in general and need a new hobby? Check this out.

Here’s the ad in its full glory (read=unedited by McCrabass) since I’m sure it’ll be pulled from Craigslist soon.

(thanks to Anthony Burke Boylan for alerting me to this.)

12/5-12/19: PORN STAR TRAINING (CHICAGO)


Date: 2011-12-05, 7:26PM CST
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]


PORN STAR TRAINNING , FOR WOMEN ONLY * . Accepting new Female students of ADULT FILMS . All students must be at least 18 years of age , or Older ! ! ! The Average Woman ; who works in The ADULT FILM INDUSTRY is paid $500.00 per scene . But a Woman must have the acquired skills ; in filmming various scenes – such as : ORAL , TEASING , MASTURBATION , REVERSE COWGIRL , & ANAL … Sign-up and learn how to do : ORAL SCENES , ANAL SCENES , GIRL ON GIRL SCENES , REVERSE COWGIRL SCENES *** Disclaimer : We Do Not Pay , For Scenes – or Anything Else ! Learn how to DOGGIE STYLE – The Right Way ! Learn how to REVERSE COWGIRL – The Right Way ! Learn how to GIVE & RECEIVE GOOD ORAL – The Right Way ! Learn how to TEASE – The Right Way ! This is for Women ; who are interested ; in working in ADULT FILMS , or ADULT ENTERTAINMENT * . Classes are held on : SATURDAYS 12:00PM – 6:30PM ; SUNDAYS 12:00PM – 6:30PM ; MONDAYS 7:00PM – 10:00PM ; and TUESDAYS 7:00PM – 10:00PM . Location : CHEAP THRILLS PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO : 8223 South WOODLAWN Avenue , CHICAGO , IL. 60619 . Telephone : 708-582-0286 . E-mail : upocman@yahoo.com
  • Location: CHICAGO
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Class is in session!

Ok.. a couple of things caught my eye here. I do know this much about men — most don’t care how women “give and receive good oral” — most are thrilled at the effort and with the fact a woman is truly interested in pleasing them in this way … or so I’ve heard.

Same goes for teasing, anal and doggie-style … or so I’ve heard.

I know nothing of this “reverse cowgirl.” Time to watch some porn.

OR..

I could actually attend a class and learn the proper reverse cowgirl form. Hmm. I’m not working so why not? It’s a great way to learn how to make some sweet moola while learning some very marketable skills. And, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my 11 months of unemployment in a tight job market, it’s that a gal must have mad skills and be open to learning new things to make herself more attractive to employers — the mo’ unusual the mo’ better.

Just sent an email to the fine gent who posted this ad asking for more info. Stay tuned.

To add to above image, one of my fave album covers of all time.