Five Things that need to go buh-bye in ’14–Part 1

Well, the Earth has almost completed another lap around the Sun, which means it’s time for those insipid lists filled with trends/people/places/things the writers don’t wish to see in the next year.

I’m one of those people, but I’m much more fun and interesting. So, you’ll read it and fucking enjoy it, mmkay?

1) OPEN LETTERS. Oh for fuck’s sake, these have got to stop. To me, they’re nothing more than public masturbation in letterform jizzed out onto social media.

The Insufferable: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

The Insufferables: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

Hate to break it to all you openletter writers–and would-be ones too–no one gives a red rat’s ass about your letter’s message. Those star-fuckers who do give a shit about these letters and insist on reposting them, seriously, y’all need to get a life. I highly doubt that the celebs involved care about you, all they want is the free publicity. Also, all these poorly written, thought-out missives do is clog up our Facebook and Twitter feeds.

I hate ’em for the reasons I mentioned, and because they slow down my route to free porn.

2) Phrases…Here are a few that come to mind.

“Faith in humanity restored.” I’ve seen this a lot on social media, and it’s usually tagged to a story about some kid doing something profound like stopping a speeding train after his mom mowed the lawn, or a dog walking to the moon, or a bomb being stopped by a brunette wielding a tree branch … you get the idea. When I see those 4 holier-than-thou words, I feel stabby, and I don’t like feeling stabby. The writer’s insisting that you find whatever words or images he or she has carefully crafted or uploaded from the Internets, better than everything ever. If that shit ain’t happening in my living room, then my faith ain’t leaving my house.

“______, go home, you’re drunk.” This wasn’t funny or clever the first time, and unlike some wines, it doesn’t get better with age. Next.

“______ just won the Internet!” No, you didn’t. You didn’t win dick. Shut the hell up.

“Said no one … ever.” Do I need to elaborate?

“Just sayin’.” Yep, you sound like an illiterate buffoon when you add that little turd to the end of any sentence or phrase.

This is a nice segue to my next point.

3) Those who are easily *offended*. These folks are tiresome. If they don’t like something or if they don’t agree with something or someone, then that person’s offended–as if saying you’re offended gives you more rights than those of us who, gosh, know how to deal in society. There are folks who actually believe the offended ones have more rights…um, I’m gonna have to slap a big fat NO on y’all. Sadly, the offended ones have great PR machines. (Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, those offended by the so-called ‘war on Christmas’ and Christianity, etc.)

Ricky Gervais feels the same way:

“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Being offended all of the damn time makes you a whiner, by the way.

But, if you’re going out of your way to offend people, then you’re just an asshole.

Here’s what I do if I find I’m offended by something (which rarely happens), I either change the channel, turn the page, turn off the tee vee, walk away or click off the page. See, I get that there are lots of folks out there with different opinions, and I listen to a lot of those opinions. It’s part of who I am–I welcome them–to a point. I like to hear what people have to say, and try to figure out how they arrived at their opinions. Plus, it’s part of my job.

4) Enough with selfies, twerking, making stupidity something to strive for, duck-face photos…

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

Here’s a double-whammy: A duck-face selfie. Careful, it may leave a mark.

(via DigitalTrends.com)

(via DigitalTrends.com)

5) Ok, I had to take a sedative after posting that last item. When God made ugly, he really made ugly. Damn.

Finally,  a word on paleo diets. You ain’t eating paleo unless you’re living in a cave with a simian-esque dude named Thak sporting a loin cloth.

Also, when I think paleo, I think Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. How could I not think of him?

A little of this, a little of that …

After a night filled with crappy sleep, I woke up to this on the tee vee:

.. and now I worship all things Morey Amsterdam.

(courtesy of the latimes.com)

He’ll be my soul mate in the next life.

G’head and laugh, but you’ll be so jealous. Just watch and learn.

I imagine that writing a sitcom in this day and age doesn’t resemble anything like this image …

(courtesy timfowlar.com)

First, the writers are too old, and aren’t sporting the appropriate attire. Depending on the show, there’s probably more booze, hooch, porn, chocolate, juicing supplies and Larry Gelbart’s biography strewn about. Or Seth McFarlane’s. Or Tyler Perry’s. Not enough ironic facial hair either and there isn’t a MacBook Pro or iPad in sight because you know, you can’t write anything without either one of those tools. Fuck ideas, the tools will make you a great writer. Pffft.

Yesterday, I had a job interview for part-time, fill-in holiday work and believe it could go either way. In all honesty, I wasn’t looking forward to it because if you’ve been paying attention at all during the past year, “luck” and “job search” are two concepts that hate each other in my world. To quote Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, those two ideas “frighten and confuse me”, so I don’t know how to react when confronted by either one. Sometimes I’m struck dumb when these two phenomena meet, and I just end up staring at a light switch for hours on end. What’s real sad is when I applaud said light switch–I can be heard yelling out “bravo” and tears can be seen streaming down my face in appreciation.

No video of this occurrence exists so don’t ask.

Imagine, if you will, not ever having to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Sweet Jesus, isn’t that an incredible thought? We’ve all peed during our slumber with gross results, right? But imagine if you could actually sleep n’ pee without the unpleasantness associated with it upon waking up in the morning?

Fortunately, the Japanese have once again invented something to help us be even more lazy. It’s a toilet and a bidet all rolled into one exciting sleep aid.

(courtesy of France24.com)

(courtesy of giantrobot.com)

I love how the Japanese get how fucking lazy we Americans really are. I wish we could admit to it, but we’re all too busy telling the rest of the world how fucking appreciative they should be of us and our obnoxious, holier-than-thou ways.

Of course, this invention has other uses than to help lazy sots, it can be used for those who are elderly and bed-ridden for whatever reason.

And to answer your next question, I’ve already ordered one for me and each of my friends.