Things not-so-mundane

I’ll be taking a little trip for a few days to defend my title.

So, until then, stay in the shallow end of the pool, don’t pick your nose in public and enjoy these fine tales I’ve highlighted below.

First, these are ugly, and I love Uggs. I just don’t wear them out in public because I don’t want to look like a hippo with suede legs and club feet. I don’t care how skinny you are — they aren’t flattering which is why I don’t get why any woman would want to wear something so unflattering on the most important day of her life. Suede cankles under silk. You may kiss the bride.

Um, nope. (photo courtesy of Clark+Walker Studio)

 

 

After reading this, I want a zebra and a drink. (from USAToday)

Iowa man with zebra, parrot arrested for DUI in bar lot

Breathe it in, folks. What about that hed stands out the most to you? I get the parrot and the zebra pairing since those are two species who might live in the wild together. DUI, man and Iowa, yep, kind of a no-brainer. However, when you put all those items together, you have a big bowl of wrong. It’s fun though.

“So, this man with a zebra and parrot walks out of a bar —

No, it’s not the set-up for a joke, but an intoxicatingly true story out of Dubuque, Iowa, according to news reports from the Hawkeye State.

Jerald Reiter, 55, of Cascade, Iowa, was backing his truck out of the Dog House Lounge parking lot Sunday night when police stopped him. His passengers? A small zebra in the back seat and a macaw parrot on his shoulder, the Telegraph Heraldreports.

Officers said Reiter’s blood-alcohol level was .14 (the limit is .08), so he was charged with driving drunk (officially, operating while intoxicated). He admits he was behind the wheel but was going to let his other passenger — his human buddy — do the driving, according to the local Gazette.

Reiter thinks someone in the crowd of gawkers called police to complain about the “welfare” of his novel pets, which often go for rides.

He said his local watering hole often allows pets, but not Sunday night, because the owner told him food was being served. TV station KCRG.com got a different story: no animals are ever allowed inside. (Will the bar owner be in the dog house if the alcohol and health inspectors stop by?)

Reiter’s girlfriend, Vicki Teter, told the Gazette that their animals “are a big part of the family,” and that she understands people’s reactions to their exotic pets.

“It’s not everyday you see somebody that’s got a zebra or a parrot in the house, and who knows tomorrow what might be in our house,” she said.”

I got nothing to add, except for the video….

Pennsylvania police officer broke into neighbor’s house, did laundry, cops say

I bet the homeowner wouldn’t have pressed charges had the officer done his clothes too. From the AP.

“AVALON, Pa. — Dirty clothes have a Pittsburgh-area police officer in hot water.
coplights.jpgView full sizeThe Patriot-News
Rankin police Officer Jason Rocco is charged with trespassing and criminal mischief for allegedly breaking into a neighbor’s home to wash his clothes.

Rocco was arraigned Saturday and released on his own recognizance.

WPXI-TV reports the home’s owner noticed his electric bill was unusually high, given that he hadn’t lived in the house for months. When the owner visited, investigators say he found the dryer running with Rocco’s clothes inside.

Avalon police who questioned Rocco say he told investigators the home’s back door was already broken and he “just had to do some laundry.”

A phone listing for Rocco could not be located Wednesday. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Thursday.”

I don’t blame him for not going to a laundromat. The last time I blessed one of those establishments with my presence, I caught some slight-in-stature man trying to steal my knickers.

When I asked him why, he said, “The goat outside told me to.”

“That’s not a nice way to talk about your boyfriend.”

“Cunt.”

 

I want one of these t-shirts in every fucking color of the rainbow, then I’d give one to every woman I know. I’d wear this rag every damn day too. I don’t care if crewnecks are unflattering, or if they’ll start to fray after being worn day in and day out. It’s message is spot-on.

This has to do with an incident on an American Airlines flight where a woman was removed because she was wearing a t-shirt like this one. According to the airlines, the message on the shirt was offensive so she was told she either had to cover up the shirt or change into something more appropriate, or not fly. (I.E. something with no swears or offensive imagery on it.)

Now, had I been wearing this shirt and was asked to remove it, I would’ve. Sure. Why not? But, I’m gonna add a wrinkle — why replace the shirt? Why not just go topless? Shit howdy, I would. What’s the big deal? Seeing a nice pair of boobs isn’t the worst thing spied on a flight these days. We’ve all seen worse — from people travelling in pajama bottoms, (“the slobification of America” — thank you Tim Gunn), to this sassy gent.

When was it okay for American Airlines to make political statements by dictating what a passenger wears on her t-shirt? Like I stated earlier, I’ve seen much worse on flights — demeaning tattoos, over-pierced bodies, heinous t-shirts that are demeaning to women and minorities and I’ve never seen a member of a flight crew bat an eye — even after a fellow passenger complained about a sexist t-shirt that barely skimmed this other passenger’s ample tum-tum. All the flight attendant could do was shrug her shoulders. Funny, there’s a clause in an airline’s contract of carriage that the airline may refuse transport or remove a passenger from a flight if the passenger is “clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to other passengers” among other things. Most airlines’ contracts of carriage include such clauses, but the language may be different. I’ve rarely seen or heard of this rule being enforced.

Finally, this is my new favorite Tumblr. It’s replaced this blog.

Indifferent cats in amateur porn

It’s got cats, it’s got porn. What more could you possibly want?

I spy

I’ve been in LA for about three weeks and much has caught my eye. While most of what I’ve witnessed/experienced constitutes normal differences that are expected between two major metropolitan areas of the US, the stuff that stands out appears to be unique to LA and California.

Food stuff.

Food prices are cheaper out here. While LA is near the top with its astronomically high rents — about twice the national average — food is cheaper than in Chicago. At least the food I buy — mostly fruits and veg, chocolate and panther piss-esque booze. Perhaps that’s because most fruits and vegetables are grown in this state, so the price of transportation, storage, etc. isn’t tacked onto the product. However, residents are zapped for other expenses like transportation (you need a decent car out here) clothing and entertainment. Gas isn’t too bad either, but I’m sure it’ll get more expensive as the warmer months approach and Angelenos emerge from their well-appointed, cozy lairs, don their full-length mink coats (hey, it gets cold here at night! Around 50 degrees!) and get moving. So far, the city doesn’t appear to have its hand out for every little thing, every little service. Of course, I could be wrong. I just haven’t witnessed it yet. In Chicago, it’s a different story.

As for restaurants, there are shitloads of vegan/vegetarian eateries out here. I’ll write more about this at a later time.

In-Your-Face-Nature. A few days ago, mockingbirds woke me up around 3 am with their yap-yapping, trying to be all clever with their mocking ways. This little pest was in the citrus tree right outside my bedroom window and he just … wouldn’t … shuttie. I finally had to open the crypt door and tell Mr. Mockingbird and his cadre to sit down. Did they? Oh for about 10 minutes, yes. But soon they were taking requests and recruiting members of the audience to join them on the branch. I finally gave up and retreated to the living room to read. Seriously though, I don’t mind mockingbirds because they like to mix it up AND they’re sassy as hell. Total brats.

The mockingbird is somewhat of a milquetoast of the fauna I’ve encountered since landing at LAX. The weirdest was the brightly colored snake I startled while leaving my apartment. It was chilling out on my porch, and was gone before I could snap a photo of it. So now I traipse around the outside of my apartment with care these days because who knows if the snake is considering a comeback and moving into my mailbox. Or recycling bins.

The brat of the bird world.

Let’s chat about hummingbirds. A tree in front of my place is festooned with them. They’re everywhere — yesterday I spied a wee nest, not much bigger than my thumb, tucked in the crook of a tree branch. I follow the “No Moleste” mantra of my wildlife loving friends and family, so I don’t gawk and try to become one with the tree to get a better look. Plus, hummingbirds will pull out the big guns to defend their territory and I’m not into getting pelted by tiny beaks. Maybe 20 years ago, sure! But now? Nah. Not so much. I find their frenetic, squeaky speech hypnotic — except when they’re coming after me as I’m leaving my apartment.

So, as the song goes, Let it be.

Beautiful Buteos.

I haven’t spied anything shocking with four legs yet — like a cougar or a woolly mammoth — but once I do, I’ll write about it.

LA is lousy with birds of prey. They’re everywhere. Illinois is too, but it doesn’t have Harris Hawks. Apparently, there is a pair of these hawks living in the hills at the end of my street and like to cause trouble with their tag-team hunting ways. Last week, the pair snagged some sort of varmint and the cacophony of bird squeals and squawks was almost too much for me to take. One of my neighbors informed me that this pair has been here for quite some time and they’re left alone.

That’s a huge relief.

You'd better watch your ass, or we'll git ya.

Cops. Yes, cops. The po-po, fuzz, 5-0, the Men in Blue, donut patrol — or whatever monikers kids these days are giving G-men. I’ve noticed that LAPD officers are in much better shape then their brethren in Chicago. Perhaps the tough fitness requirement the department has for wannabe cops is carried over once one becomes a member of the force. Or, perhaps this is Hollywood and everyone is vying to be the next big thing.  Since it’s alllll about what you look like out here, the need to be attractive no matter what your profession is constant. Also, cops out here tend to become the news. (note: Zsa Zsa’s cop was from the BHPD). The cops trolling my neighborhood are also easy on the eyes — they’re kinda cute in that jack-boot thug kinda way. It’s tempting to get arrested. “Really, Mr. Po-leeece man, you can tighten the handcuffs more if you like … Aaaand your night stick?”

Now I’m done.

Someone had a bad day …

I … I … don’t know what to say.

From The Inquistr.

Severed Leg Washes Up Behind St. Petersburg Home

“Police were searching for the owner of a severed leg which washed ashore on a rental property on Thursday.  The Tampa Bay Times reported that a Canadian Family called in the report around 7:40am when the leg washed up in front of their house.

The leg was perfectly cut at the thigh and the foot, and was perfectly shaven, according to investigators.  “We don’t know the cause and manner of death,” said St. Petersburg police Major Mike Kovacsev ‘But obviously someone went to great lengths to dismember this body.’ “

I bet the person isn’t even dead, just a little uneven.

“The leg had no distinctive marks on it and no tattoos.  The police were able to surmise that it had been in the water for a day or two before it was found.  Because the leg was found shaven they are making an assumption that is belonged to a woman.

Investigators can use DNA to try to identify the victim, but investigators were quick to point out that will only work if that person’s DNA is already listed in a governmental database.”

Sounds like the po-po has a leg-up on this one. (yeah I said it)

“Officers on land and water were spread out along the shoreline Tuesday looking  for more body parts and will keep searching in the coming days. Meanwhile, police are asking anyone who may have information about the leg or who it may belong to to contact them with any information that could help. There’s no shortage of ways for a leg to be dumped into Tampa Bay, which is home to numerous marinas and boat slips, countless backyard docks and also commercial shipping lanes.”

So, whilst you’re diddling your date on the beach or watching your pooch take a smelly dump in the sand then watching the kiddies build a sandcastle out of the shit-filled sand, be on the lookout for appendages that may be bobbin’ all willy nilly in the surf.

“What would you do if a leg washed up along your house?”

I’d shit my pants.