Phive Tings: September 25, 2013

1) When Mother Nature wants to get your attention, she does it with a bang.

Damn.

via The Telegraph UK.

Pakistan earthquake island is a ‘mud volcano’

Dr Brian Baptie from the British Geological Survey says the island that appeared off the coast of Pakistan after the earthquake is a “mud volcano” formed as gas and water forced its way to the surface.

Holy shiite. So, even though this 7.7 magnitude quake killed over 300 people, it managed to create an island because why the hell not?

2) It’s no secret that many child stars don’t age well. Some turn to drugsand more drugsSome become strippers then go and kill themselves. Some turn into punk rockers and cameramen/script supervisor. Then, there are those who turn out well, but they’re no fun to talk about, which leads us to Kirk Cameron. Turns out this born again, gay hatin’, blames-the-Holocaust-on-Darwin, Christian is now God’s Dear Abby. Don’t believe me? Then, you’re going to hell, but first read this.

via SFWeekly.com

Kirk Cameron Answers Your Letters to God

God is tough dude to get a hold of see, unless you’re Kirk Cameron. He and the Big Guy are chums–so much so that he had to make a movie about his relationship with God. Oh and Cameron’s–oh SHIT. We missed it. The screening via Liberty University was last night and we fucking missed it. Shitty shitty piss piss fuck fuck.

But WAIT! My sources tell me that this cinematic tour-de-force will be screened AGAIN on October 3rd. Anyone care to join me?

3) While we’re on the subject of religion, another big star of the 1970s/early 80s is having a tough time with her abode.

Olivia Newton-John Holds Exorcism At Florida Home After Contractor Suicide

(via ibtimes.com)

(via ibtimes.com)

via The Inquisitr.

“Olivia Newton-John hired a priest to perform an exorcism at her Florida home after a contractor committed suicide on the property last month.

Christopher Pariseletti was believed to have been having financial difficulties with his business and asked the 64-year-old Grease star for a loan to keep it from closing. He killed himself with a shotgun by the pool while the home was empty and was found by another contractor. Pariseletti was apparently seen crying earlier that morning.”
Aaaaaaand that’s all you really need to know about this story. Why? Because I’m too lazy to write about it.
4) Oh, Florida, Florida, Florida.
via Raw Story.

Yet another Florida man arrested at strip club for leaving kid in car

(via Raw Story)

(via Raw Story)

Why am I not surprised by the word “yet” in the headline? Anyone care to take a stab at as to why?

5) Game, set, smash!

Martina Hingis Teams Up With Mother, Mother’s Boyfriend To Beat Up Husband

(via Exposay.com)

(via Exposay.com)

Apparently, Martina Hingis has a hard time keeping her balls in the court, and likes to play doubles with more than one partner, and her hubby didn’t care for it. So much for tennis being a game about love.

That’s one helluva slam.

Religion & [th]ugh

I’d rather walk on my lips than criticize anyone else’s religious practices (unless they’re particularly heinous), but something must be said about how stinkin’ weird this ritual is.  From The Telegraph:

Briton arrested with roasted human foetuses for use in black magic ritual

A British man has been arrested in Thailand after being found with six foetuses that had been roasted and covered in gold leaf as part of a black magic spirit ritual.

So, some people believe that roasted fetuses, or I mean foetuses, covered in gold leaf no less will bring them wealth and good luck. Guess cuz it’s on the Internets it must be true, correct? I had no idea that feetusses — or however you spell it — would bring such wonderful things to those who shelled out shitloads of cash. In the scheme of things, this doesn’t surprise me in the least.

What chaps my hide is the spelling of “foetus”– when I see it spelled all British n’ shit. My mind sees, then pronounces it as “foe – tuss”– just like how it pronounces “Phoebe”, “Foe – bee.” See what they did there? Come to think of it, Phoebe’s Foetus is a great band name.

Six in one, I guess. But, why to the Brits have to go and fuck up our language so damn much?

Limey wangs.

Now, I don’t know if I want to scrub, smack, smoke, laugh at, bail out, shake my head at, tattoo, de-tattoo, introduce my mom to, make him lick my boots, have him shave my armpits, make secksy time/hang out/talk politics/watch porn with OR marry Lil Wayne. Quite the quandary I know.

(courtesy of live.drjays.com)

See what I mean?

Just To Clarify

I love this woman.
Now HERE is someone who deserves to be Freshly Pressed or Processed or Pooped or Pulled-Apart or whatever it’s called.

Pornos should be made in her honor.

King of States!

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

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The Daily Dick

Pat Robertson deserves to infected with brain tapeworms. However, I think the worms would just be knockin’ around in his empty-as-fuck skull since it has become quite obvious in the past couple of decades that this man of God has shit for brains.

This ultimate third-rate con-man is now advocating moving to a country that not only allows, but encourages, wife beating: Saudi Arabia.

Why? The good vicar doesn’t believe in divorce and believes that wives should be subservient to their husbands. Oh and he doesn’t like Islam which is all kinds of weird since he doesn’t have a problem telling a Christian American to move to a, um, Muslim country so he can give his wife what-for and then some.

Oh, Grandpa.