A Sad Day for Comedy

Comedians and political pundits from sea to shining sea of this great nation are weeping, filing away their glitter jokes and putting their show tunes libraries in hidden folders in iTunes because Michele Bachmann is not running for re-election.

What? You don’t believe me? Well, have a look-see, pals.

I’m sad the Tea Party Temptress will no longer be around. I won’t miss her politics, but I will miss the endless supply of comedy gold she supplies to people like me. Ted Cruz, Tom Coburn, James Inhofe, Rick Perry and Rand Paul just don’t ooze unintentional comic material the way that Bachmann does.

Corndog1-384x288

Now, I need to add a wrinkle. I won’t miss Michele as much as I will miss her Marcus–her beloved pray-the-gay-away psychologist husband/stylist/constant companion and hopefully, First Husband (sigh–someday–somewhere over the rainbow).

marcusandhiscorndoggiejjfjfjf

SQUEE!

Who knows what the future holds for Michele–ahem–but I must admit that I’m looking forward to her plethora of fab pantsuits on the campaign trail in a couple of years. I look forward to hearing her screech about Vince Foster and Whitewater as a lame attempt to bring Hillary down to her level. That’ll be fun. I just hope I’m covering that campaign.

As for Marcus? Well, there’s this image.

You’re welcome.

(ps: I’ll be the broad pushing the drink cart.)

2012 — Your Year in Choads

2012 will be noted in the record books as one of the choadiest years ever. Why oh why would you make such a proclamation, Julia? Not only did we have one of the oddest years in human behavior, but the election shenanigans put the ‘crap’ in craptastic choadiness.

2012 was ugly from day one and it just got uglier and uglier as the year progressed– especially in the political arena. Needless to say, the folks on the following list not only embarrassed us the world over, but they sure did a bang-up job of making the human race look like a big pile of chunk-filled dung. (Note: John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, Bill O’Reilly, Hannity, Newt and the NRA are already in the Choad Hall of Fame, so mentioning them here would be redundant.) The vetting process was brutal and I know I’m missing some choads, but I’m sure they’ll be on my 2013 list.

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, I present to you–my loyal three readers–Your Year in Choads.

The Donald.

(courtesy of examiner.com)

(courtesy of examiner.com)

The thrice-married Trump never ceases to amaze me. He inherited millions from his father, then felt the need to continue to dumb down society with his tee vee shows and tomes. He has even sullied my city with a multi-floor steel phallus with great views, and overpriced units. That was a Trump I could live with–out of my league financially and matrimonily–but I never bought into his bullshit so ignoring him wasn’t a chore at all. However, he had to go and ruin it for me and everyone else by opening his fat yap about how the President isn’t a citizen and how the country was robbed during the election (even though Obama won the popular vote) with a series of ill-timed and uber-choady Tweets–which he promptly deleted. Oh and early in the campaign, he was actually a candidate. But, never fear, Trump will be back in 2013, and will be a bigger choad than Donald Trump. Notice how I didn’t even mention his hair?

Sheldon Adelson.

If Citizens United had a dick, Sheldon Adelson should be giving it blowies all the live long day as a thank-you gift. Yeah, I know. I have that image in my mental Rolodex too and I have no idea how to get it out of there. A brain transplant may turn out to be the way to go, and I’d be happy with an Abby Normal-esque brain at this point. The good thing is, Adelson’s attempts to buy the election failed the way the uterus supposedly does when raped legitimately. Ahem. Imagine the good Adelson coulda done with that money had he done something useful, like for instance, help his beloved Israel build a better defense system.

And speaking of legitimate rape, there’s Todd Akin.

I’ll let the magical combo of video and the Internets speak for Mr. Akin (who lost in November–big time–by the way). Akin’s advisers, the “doctors” who told him about how the female body “works”, anyone who has ever hung out with or believed in Akin, well, y’all are choads too.

Nikki Haley

haley try me

Choads are not limited to men, my friends. Nooo…never. Not only did Gov. Haley NOT consider Stephen Colbert for Jim DeMint’s now-vacate Senate seat, she doesn’t want nuthin’ to do with Obamacare even though her state, South Carolina, is desperate for the help. Like Haley’s fellow GOP governors, she’d prefer to pout and eat worms in the garden because the smart, black guy won AGAIN, and now his monumental, life-saving legislation is truly the law of the land. Basically, she’d rather fuck over her constituents to make a point than help them. That horrid attitude makes her one of the Choads of the Year.

Richard Mourdock.

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

(courtesy HuffPo)

(courtesy HuffPo)

He’s rape’s champion and for that, he almost beat Rep. Joe Donnelly in the Indiana race for the Senate.

What’s even more amazing is some woman finds him fuckable.

Personhood Amendments/He-Man Woman Hater’s Club.

It’s safe to say the today’s GOP don’t like us ladyfolk very much. That hatred was evident in the candidates they nominated and the legislation/ballot initiatives that so many states tried to pass, or get on the ballots. Then, there was the kerfuffle over the transnatch ultrasound bill requiring all women in Virginia who wanted an abortion to have this lubed-up wand stuck up their hoo-hahs so they can see what’s dancing on their bladders. The best part? Women have to pay for this humiliation out of their own pockets because Lord knows the GOP doesn’t want to pay for it–hell, they’d rather protect guns than people, see. There are so many anti-woman stories that happened this year that writing about them would cause me to start biting my face again.

But, I’ll give you one more to chew on.   It’s the creme-de-la-creme of choady anti-woman fucked-in-the-head laws that some states in this great country–you know the one that is the most powerful & most advanced in the entire world–seem to love to pass. All of us ladies who still experience menses are pregnant whether we like it or not. That kinda sucks out loud.

Mike Huckabee

331123-mike-huckabee

Gosh, there is so much that can be spewed about the good Rev. Mike. He’s besties with Chuck Norris, his son likes to kill dogs, he’s has a love/hate relationship with weight loss, he blames gays for all of society’s ills, and a bunch of other assorted treats that are too many to mention.

But, this vidya demonstrates just how choad-a-rrific this man of god really is.

Jan Brewer

(courtesy ABC News)

(courtesy ABC News)

The weathered, ridden-hard-and-put-away-wet governor of Arizona is the greatest of all lady choads. She loathes people of color, has a pointy-anointy claw that she likes to point at the POTUS; loves guns; probably has nudie pix of Sheriff Joe Arpaio; allegedly shits Coppertone; kicks puppies; has a law that says all bleeding women are pregnant; is considering running for a third term; more than likely believes in Henrietta Pussycat but not climate change; and finally, contrary to popular belief, did NOT star in “There’s Something About Mary.”

theres-something-about-mary-20090615050344742-000

QUESTION

When do we get to pee on Dana Loesch?

Seriously. Ms. Loesch may be attractive but she’s a dolt. A little unsolicited advice from McCrabass here — urinating on corpses is not what America is about. We’re not sore winners. Your horrible attitude will set this country back about 50 years — we don’t need that right now.

Show a little compassion — even for those you know so little about.

My Least Favorite Things of 2011 — so far …

Since I’ve already waxed rhapsodic about 2011, I’ll dive right into my least favorite things of 2011 — in no particular order of course.

1) GOP candidates. See yesterday’s post, but I’ll add the Tea Party too. What a bunch of loons. First, I love how they call themselves a “grass roots movement.” Hate to break it to you folks, but it’s not a grass roots movement since it is backed by the Koch Brothers and Fox News. Also, you wear your racism on your sleeve and that’s completely despicable. We have a Black President. Get over it and grow up.

2) Graphics Interchange Format, or aka GIFs. My god I hate these things. To me, they’re the white trash of the Internet, the bratty kid of social media who picks his nose then flings his boogers at you. In my opinion, writers who rely on GIFs to tell a story or to get their point across, are lazy and shouldn’t call themselves writers. You’re a frustrated animator who couldn’t get into CalArts but are in LOVE with ALL THINGS Pixar.

To those of you who don’t know what a GIF is, it’s well, I’m not going to waste perfectly good typing on it so I’ll let webopedia.com do the heavy lifting for me:

Pronounced jiff or giff (hard g) stands for graphics interchange format, a bit-mapped graphics file format used by the World Wide WebCompuServe and many BBSs. GIF supports color and various resolutions. It also includes data compression, but because it is limited to 256 colors, it is more effective for scanned images such as illustrations rather than color photos.

In other words, this:

(you need to click on both to see what I mean)

Aaaand this one.

Make. It. Stop.

 3) Auto-tune. This audio tool from hell was invented to take the talent-free and turn them into stars. Soon, music fans will only want to hear crappy shit that’s been auto-tuned, instead of those with real talent (who also — GASP — write THEIR OWN SONGS) like Paul Weller, the Black Crowes, Los Lobos, Elvis Costello … et-ceteraaaa … et-ceteraaaa …

4) Embracing mediocrity. A society that finds the Kardashian Klan intriguing is a doomed society.

Why are these people famous? They have really nothing to offer society, or anyone beyond their property lines. I find their antics, as well as those people who find them remotely important and newsworthy, to be one of the worst traits of my fellow human beings. I hope someone will explain this whole embracing mediocrity phenom to me soon. Is it because things are so shitty everywhere and folks are that stupid that they feel the need to worship those just as stupid? Is it because they see the success of the room-temperature IQ crowd as obtainable? And, while you’re at it, please show me a Venn Diagram as to why “The Jersey Shore” and Beyonce are useful and important. It pains me to think about the level of the mind that finds any of the aforementioned people necessary for the survival of the human race.

I bet Andy Warhol is rolling over in his grave and is quite amused at how well these folks have stretched out their 15 minutes of fame.

5) Not getting invited to key parties. This needs no further explanation.

6) Being unemployed. Not a new topic for me. It’s a bone of contention for a country where the unemployment rate is hovering around 9 percent. It’s frustrating and unnecessary, but there isn’t much I can do about it except spend two months out west looking for work.

7) War. What IS it good for really?

8) The death of ________. Lots of famous folks died so far in 2011. The ones I will miss are Elizabeth Taylor, Nick Ashford, Christopher Hitchens, Al Davis, Wangari Maathai, Andy Rooney and Andrew Gold.

The ones I will really miss are Steve Jobs …

and Uncle Leo …

and Sidney Lumet.

Finally, I will miss her the most.

Thank you all for contributions, your faults and and letting us see your joy, laughter and pain.