Where Oh Where Is McCrabass?

Contrary to what you read on the bathroom stalls, I am alive and well. I’ve just been a titch busy.

A tasty gem of a tome has been tossed into my lap by my pal, Andrew Huff, over at Gaper’s Block. I can’t give details at the moment, but when it’s done, y’all will be the first to know.

Also, I’m getting my act together and taking it on the podcast road–so to speak. It’ll be based on my blog and other topics that interest both the host (me) and the various co-hosts I’ve tapped to help me out (Charlie Meyerson, Monroe Anderson, Andrew Huff, Ranjit Souri & others to be named when I get up the courage to ask them). Due to the monumental amount of time that has passed since I’ve dealt with anything audio-wise, I’m in the process of educating my gin-soaked noggin regarding the equipment needed to make this whole thing a success. Word on the street is this podcast could be some sort of underground sensation with my handful of readers.

Why am I doing a podcast, you ask? Well, I’m bored, out of work, and have grown weary of trying to count my freckles. Oh and I have lots to say. I’m not looking to make money, I’m looking to have fun.

This is Chicago, after all, and there’s lots going on here–and elsewhere–to talk about. Especially if the news continues along these lines.

See you soon!

 

 

Lois Lane in Lucite Heels

Here’s a ripping good yarn for y’all.

Girl gets an MA in journalism. Girl eventually gets a job as a society reporter at The Houston Chronicle. Girl realizes that reporting about the high-class society broads in Houston doesn’t pay jack cheese. Girl then gets a gig peeling her knickers off to Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child in the City” for fat, rich oil men. Girl makes big money and starts to blog about her after hours fun fun pole time. Girl’s newspaper bosses find out and girl loses reporting job.

The word on the street is the powers-that-be at the Chronicle didn’t like the fact that Ms. Tressler had another job outside of her reporter gig since that ploy is verboten. However, I think it’s because they were embarrassed that 1) She was taking her clothes off whilst wearing lucite heels & flashing her chocha at some of Houston’s finest mens, then eating watercress sammiches on low-carb bread with some of her nightly customers wives and daughters then writing about them there lunches for the paper, and 2) She was making more money than anyone else at the Chronicle.

Ah, the flesh trade. We should all be so lucky enough to have the genetic makeup to be able to dabble in it and make two grand a night. Dog bless her! She has a great career as either a reality tee vee star OR  a White House correspondent ahead of her.

I can’t get upset about this. Why? Because in this day and age with the economy sucking a Pakistani whore’s sweaty bunghole, we all have to do whatever it takes to make ends meet. Women in my chosen profession have their cotton panties in a twist because they believe that Ms. Tressler’s actions make women journos look less-than. Um, NO. Her actions have nothing to do with women journos and our reputations. Women dumping on other women because they’re women are doing more harm than someone who gets lots of Andy Jackson’s shoved in her g-string, then writing about the Houston ladies who lunch.

Blaming Ms. Tressler, and others like her, for women journos not getting ahead in this business is a cheap shot. A very cheap shot. Style over substance has always been a bugaboo for women who are trying to make it in media and since women are only considered worthy if they have tooth-pick sized thighs, it can be rough for those of us who try to set ourselves apart in one way or another. While Ms. Tressler could’ve handled her night job with a little more decorum, her actions probably wouldn’t be ruffling a lot of feathers. If you disagree, please tell me why there are no ugly tee vee journos? Why aren’t there any lady tee vee journos who are over a size 2? I rest my case.

The best part? There’s now an opening at the Chronicle.

“I’m tired of being humane” & other complaints

First, let’s talk about the GOP roundtable yap-yap fest that happened last night. I was *thisclose* to throwing all of the furniture in my apartment out the window because these candidates are so completely out of touch and mean-spirited. I have very little hope for the political process in this country, AND for those who believe that hate is the answer.

In short, they’re awful human beings. Turns out, what they were all so absolutely certain about, was wrong for the most part.  Sadly, they haven’t moved past the whole ‘Obama should fire Bernanke’ mantra (even though Obama can’t do that); the death panel myth (time to start paying attention Newt-that myth was dispelled during the healthcare debate) and Bachmann still has a hard-on for placing all the blame on Fannie/Freddie & the Reinvestment Act–a conservative talking point that has been proven wrong over and over and over again. I know..I know..I feel your pain. But, WAIT! There’s more! Bachmann must have forgotten all of the money she got from Fannie/Freddie. Guess relying on God didn’t really help pay for the pile of bricks she calls the homestead. Basically, Bachmann is going back to her old material–even the debunked stuff. I bet Ed Rollins is thanking god everyday for leaving her campaign in the crazy dust.

Before I launch into Romney, something must be said about the whole Mormon running the country fiasco. I agree with Chris Christie (yes, you read that correctly) when he said (paraphrasing here) that a person’s religion doesn’t matter when it comes to running the country. Bravo, Mr. Christie–you’re nuts but you’re absolutely correct. But Romney? Really? The company he founded, Bain Capital, is responsible for thousands of lay-offs. Also, Romney raised taxes to pay for Romneycare–something he’s harping on Obama about. Also, he wants to raise taxes on the poor and fuck over women and the poor even more when it comes to healthcare.

The lab that created Herman Cain should be burned to the ground, and everything within a 15-mile radius of the site should be condemned. Kind of like what the Soviets should have done with Chernobyl. His nonsensical ramblings about a tax plan that has been picked apart by economists, and  labelled dangerous and stupid by anyone who isn’t associated with the Koch Bros., proves that he’s not worthy of any type of elected office. I’m sure he’ll be back to selling crappy pizza by Christmas.

And, Rick Perry? Oy. More on him later. I can’t decide if there aren’t enough words to describe him, or too many. Ron Paul needs to corral those eyebrows. Perhaps put a cloaking device on them because they’re destined to escape–soon. Nothing can be said about Santorum. He’s just sad.

It’s gonna be a bumpy election season.

What else? Oh yes. Has anyone noticed that this country is bathing in shit? No? Well, maybe you should start paying attention. This piece of news out of Kansas is so distressing. Kansas is a bad place for women. Period. End of story. Remind me to never live there OR travel through it. Any place that fucked in head doesn’t deserve McCrabass dollars.

It warms the dark crevices of my heart to see that Florida is not a disappointment in the batshit category. Rep. Brad Drake is my new fave GOP nutley. The press release is worth reading, but this part just makes my knees go limp. Sigh.

Rep. Brad Drake

“So, I say let’s end the debate,” he said in the release. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.

He’s a keeper, ain’t he? He’s probably the type of guy who would charge the condemned’s family for the bullet used to execute him/her. You know, like they used to do in China.

I love blogs. I do. Most are crap (ahem), some are funny, and then there are those that are so … so… oh fuck. I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I think I am trying to say.

http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/

 

My opinion? It’s a porn fail if the viewer is giving any attention at all to the production design. Just sayin’ ….

I puked when I saw this picture. Happy Halloween, sickos!

And finally, who is Adrianne Curry and why is trying to upstage my Coco?

 

 

 

 

 

Dear darling daughter: F*ck your husband often!

Dr. Michael Brown, Father of the Century.

I’ve been following the assault trial of serial wife beater, Dr. Michael Brown, for a while now. This guy is such a loon with mommy issues, I couldn’t help but pay attention. If I lived in Texas, I would have been at the trial everyday.

I’m not a fan of wife beaters. No one deserves to get beat to a pulp–ever–even if you are the bread winner and you deem a wife as “property” so you see giving her a beating as your “right.” That’s fucking pathetic cowardly crap. Learn how to deal with life like a man.

If my husband ever laid a paw on me in a violent manner, he’d have to come at me hard because I’d fucking kill him. If you’re stoooopid enough to raise a hand to me, then you don’t deserve to draw another breath. Yes, I’m that strong, and that well-trained in martial arts so it wouldn’t be pretty at all. Sadly, domestic violence still exists in this country, and sadder still is women feel the need to not only defend their husbands, but stay with them too. I don’t get it, but then again, I’m not a good victim–it’s not in my genetic make-up, thank dog.

Off mah soapbox now, and onto the loony letters (“Letters to Sophie”) of advice Dr. Michael Brown wrote to his daughter, Sophie. No, the subject of these letters is not about how to be nice, how to succeed in school, or how to be the bestest tennis player EVER. No, they’re about how she should fuck her husband, what it takes to have a happy marriage, and finally, how her mother is a bitch.

Let’s dig in… it’s just too damn good.

First letter is from June 2000, when Sophie was about a year old. From the Houston Press. I was looking for areas to edit, but I couldn’t. It’s just too chock-full of sad, comedic material to cut.

“Want to have a happy marriage? Empower your husband with a great big ego and he won’t let you down. Shower him with praise — tell him he’s the greatest and that’s what he’ll be. Nag, complain, criticize, and he ultimately will get enough and find someone else who makes him feel good, even if logically it will degenerate to the same level. So divorce is not even the answer.

Crush a man’s spirit by implying he is letting you down in some way, and he’s utterly useless. The man wants you to view him as the world’s greatest lover, such that you feel honored when he asks for sex — say no and you crush a little bit of him. Yes, both man and wife should and will enjoy mutually fulfilling sex — together (it is never fulfilling if you cheat — temporary pleasure and immeasurable guilt forever). Yet, the man physically requires more sex to prevent hypertestosteronism and the…resultant idiocy of the male. Sex doesn’t always have to make you see stars. Typically, it’s the man doing most of the work. You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he’ll only take 5 minutes [sic]. Then, don’t forget to tell him how wonderful he was.”

There’s probably some truth the physical results of no sex, but who cares? Since when does ‘the man do most of the work’? Also, who cares about YOUR happiness, Sophie? Preserving his ego is oh so much more important than everything else. Learn it, know it, live it.

Obviously divorce WAS the answer for Dr. Brown, since he was just acquitted of abusing his fourth wife. Whattaguy.

Aaannnd there’s more… “Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.” Good to know, DAD.

It was nice of Dr. Brown to title this particular letter: “Why Sophie Must Cry.”

Oh no. This is gonna leave a mark. I just know it.

Again, this didn’t deserve to be edited.

“I am writing this book for my sweet darling daughter Sophie and my dear sweet unborn daughter who I hope withh be called Roxanne Rianna Brown — “Roxy.” I love you so damn much babies….You two sweet smart babies whom I adore are the purpose and love of my life. You two are genetically programmed with such___intelligence as to make most cower in disbelief. How, fucking ever you too unfortunately have your mothers genetic constitution to be unbelievably cold hearted bitches…I am sorry for fucking your mother instead of someone else.

QUE intellect [arrow] fucking TOUCHEDYou baby girls are my pride and joy. Unbelievably and unabashedly I will tell you I, yes I am the fucking alpha male and live to suit my dick until you two sweet children of GOD came along and now I live and breath for your happiness and God’s fulfillment…..Well my sweet baby girls I am your only SANE protector and I must PROTECT you two from your loving mother’s idiocy and lunacy. I love you both and know you are part of GOD’S Plan. Sweet baby girls love your mother but PITY her for she is not even slightly worthy and contributory to your genetic constitution. The smart is from me the bitchy her. Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.”

I sincerely hope that both Roxy and Sophie have enough cash in the kitty to support either their heroin habits or the years and years of psychotherapy they’re going to need if they ever get wind of these sonnets, OR if they’re allowed to be raised by their doting, secure father, who really wishes they had never been born. I fear the worst for these girls. Anyone who has this much contempt for women, should be moved to Asshole Island because that’s the only place that’ll keep them safe. Sounds like Dr. Brown wasn’t allowed to shit all over his wives, they called him on it and they paid dearly for it with beatings with bedposts, trips down the staircase whilst being pulled by their locks and general abuse. Again, I don’t care what they did–no one deserves to get beat on.

Is anyone else bothered by a sentence that has “alpha male,” “fucking”, “dick,” “God” and “two sweet children” in it? Shit howdy, I’m not even sure if is a sentence.

Finally, part three. I can’t think of anything witty to say right now. Just read. FYI: The spelling errors are allll the good doctor’s.

“There are two aspects of sex….it’s psycology and the technical aspect. Both are important. I am writing and describing to you the psycologic basis and atmosphere you are responsible in creating to promote sex which is essential to marital bliss. I am writing another book about the technical aspects of sex which I will give you when you get married. 

The “technical book” will enlighten you. Your husband must have one too — I’ll write it if not for a brother of yours yet to be born than for him for you too deserve the…totality of sexual ecstasies — God’s gifts to be enjoyed, understood, and revered. Once you get the sex thing on track don’t ever get complacent and forget…every 2 or 3 days at least & you initiate sex every few weeks. Use a calendar if you have to. Understand your husbands need for you two want sex (sex=love=sex) from him. If you show him you don’t want sex you are in fact telling the male brain, evolved over millions of years, that you don’t want his love, that you reject the…most valuable thing he can offer you, that you reject him. This is fact. Don’t even think about taking issue with this one even though I want you to think for yourself….

So sacred is sex that you must never hurt another with it by witholding it or telling (or acting like) you didn’t enjoy it. Sure you can tactfully let your husband know how to best please you but always he should feel that as far as you are concerned, in your eyes, he’s the greatest lover who ever lived….If after sex say 20 minutes later the conversation begins with your husband saying “That was great!” rest assured he’s not giving you a compliment (though he might want to) but rather he’s trying to illicit a compliment from you. If you answer “yes” he’s gonna continue fishing and may say “Did you enjoy it?” if you say “I said yes, quit asking” then you are diminishing the value of the just finished love-making….During lovemaking, your partner’s enjoyment should be your prime concern….not your own. If you do this then you will be a technically and emotionally great lover….This kind of lovemaking yields an orgasm multiplied many times by the emotional satisfaction of knowing your partner appreciates you….Without the emotion and letting the other know they are giving you pleasure sex is merely “mechanical” with no advantage over masturbation.”

First, a few bon mots about my dad. He never wrote a sex manual for any of us. Never. Ever. And I thank him for that.

It was tough to get through this part with all the creative spelling, the overdone ellipses–wait–who am I kidding? The horrible spelling and misused punctuation makes my crazy radar go crazy. He’s a physician remember.

This is great fodder for some sort of ‘psycological’ study at one of the country’s finer higher learnin’ institutions. For starters, the fact that he finds withholding sex to be hurtful, and not beating up his spouses, just goes to prove how fucked in the head he truly is.

These letters are both disturbing and very interesting. At one point, he’s praising how brilliant his daughter will be, and how she’s blessed with all of these genetic gifts–from his gene pool of course. Yet, he wishes he had banged someone else instead of her mother. Then, he wants her to forget all that and just be really good at getting her husband off and not herself because that’s selfish and bitchy. Oh and make sure you fake the emotions to keep his wee ego intact. For sexual release, you can masturbate, you know.

I need a Silkwood shower now.

And, I bet Dr. Brown is a shitty lay. And how could I possibly say such a bold statement? The answer is written in his meticulously kept chin pubes. Anyone who goes out of their way on a daily basis to keep their beard at that short of a length, doesn’t quite get it.

A kinder, hunkier, brain-munching week in review

It’s been a busy week for serious news. Since everyone is commenting on the goings-on, I’ll stick to the lighter side of the news.

First, he’s really pretty. I may have to go see “Conan” just to experience him on the big screen, larger than life.  Yeah, yeah yeah … I know. I’m old enough to be his mother.

Yowza.

Nice work, Lisa Bonet.

Here’s one more — since it’s Bonus Friday. The chin pubes work for him–a rarity in my book.  

Will Cleveland, Ohio ever catch a break? This is rough. First, Drew Carey was sent from the Cleve to punish society with his dumbass comedy and now it’s been discovered that the air is about as clean as dog shit? The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame cannot save this city by itself. I doubt Joe Walsh could either. Not that Joe Walsh, the other Joe Walsh–you know, the one who has something interesting to say and who isn’t a dooosh.

Of course he was shirtless. And in Texas. Enjoy!

It’s time for this whole vampire craze to stop. Now. Vampires are everywhere–on our tee vees, in our bookstores, on the Internets, and in our jails. This fad is officially dead. It’s boring. Done. Over. Same with Zombies. Especially when Zombies do stupid stunts such as this one. And movies that feature horrible deaths as rollicking entertainment. I’d rather watch really bad porn than some of the shit that Hollywood is spewing forth these days.

Whoops.

This is freaking me out too. What a horrible way to die. I just hope Hollywood doesn’t take this tragedy and turn it into an opus for some teen queen who was discovered at a corn festival in Iowa. They could, however, turn it into a reality show OR unleash these amoeba into the water at the Kardashian household. Hmm.. if they did that, I’d tune in more.