We Need a New Plague

Apparently, the last vestiges of a particular plague are finished with Congress.

Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Jim DeMint (R-SC)

I’m not here to write about politics because I just got out of my padded cell due to good behavior, and writing about the cacophony that is our Legislative Branch would send me right back to face-biting territory.

Who knew that Newton Minow‘s words he uttered back in the 60s would still resonate today? Was Minow clairvoyant enough to realize that reality tee vee would be the beginning of the end for society? Is he in cahoots with those wascally Mayans?

I believe he is and I present to you a few examples of the modern-day “vast wasteland.”

“Neat Freaks” coming soon to TLC. I watched an episode of this show and it made me want to never, ever clean anything ever again. Ever. Nope. Not gonna. What it did make me was very sad. The people featured have serious issues with, well, everything. My fave was the personal trainer who told a prospective love interest that he would spray her body with hydrogen peroxide before they got “intimate.” Seriously–I’d leave both kinds of skid marks getting away from that loon.

“Amish Mafia” hasn’t aired yet, but will debut on Dec. 12th, and I can’t wait.

Hmm..something about having a Don named “Lebanon Levi” doesn’t exactly strike the fear of God into me. The Moses beard and woolen socks aren’t the same as lizard skin loafers, pinky rings stacked on stubby digits and having several severed heads in bowling bags. To me, he’s the farm community tough you call when you discover that the shady farrier didn’t put enough nails in Stumblebum’s shoes and he needs to be taught a lesson with a rasp. There’s Levi’s right hand guy, Alvin the Chipmunk who’s the muscle. Oh and the Henry Hill (not Sicilian) of the group, Jolin (Mennonite) carries about punishments willy-nilly since he’s not pure Amish and therefore, not subject to their laws.

I’ll be tuning in to see just how tough this Mafia is, but if there isn’t at least one killing over some barn raising shenanigans then I’m done.

I’ve watched about 3 episodes of this show, and all I’ve got is: Imagine the smell.

What the entire fuck? I couldn’t get past the beards and the idea that they smell like a combo platter of animal guts, chew, dirty/diseased pussy, moonshine and wood smoke.

Shows like “Duck Dynasty” tell me that tee vee development execs have given up on ever producing anything worthwhile because the American public learned years ago to eat the shit we’re given politely with a knife and fork. All of the good stuff is on cable anyway … hey… wait .. a damn..minute…

I remember reading something once upon a time as to why shows like the ones listed above are so popular–people can relate to the folks featured. Really? You can relate to people who are third-rate philosophers, sex tape producers and are afraid of what happens when you mix soap and water together? Oh Moses smell the duck-gut soaked roses folks, it’s reprogramming time!

Oh and these shows are super cheap to produce, plus there are some folks walking among the intelligent who believe the whole 15 Minutes of Fame rumor. Sadly, these folks are tee vee execs who have the creativity of a car battery.

Finally, for those of you who are mourning the impending doom of “The Jersey Shore”, you have this to look forward to.

Basically, MTV took the spooge/cheap liquor/tanning oil-soaked cast and rednecked ’em up a scosch and plopped them down in the middle of the set of Deliverance 2.0. but this time with inbreeding, moonshine, ATVs, dorks and illiteracy. Talk about a huge shit sandwich. Perhaps MTV should changed its name to Shit TV since they no longer play music vidyas. Knowing how the viewing public is, “Buck Wild” is sure to be a huge hit.

The slide down crap mountain continues.

 

 

 

 

My Least Favorite Things of 2011 — so far …

Since I’ve already waxed rhapsodic about 2011, I’ll dive right into my least favorite things of 2011 — in no particular order of course.

1) GOP candidates. See yesterday’s post, but I’ll add the Tea Party too. What a bunch of loons. First, I love how they call themselves a “grass roots movement.” Hate to break it to you folks, but it’s not a grass roots movement since it is backed by the Koch Brothers and Fox News. Also, you wear your racism on your sleeve and that’s completely despicable. We have a Black President. Get over it and grow up.

2) Graphics Interchange Format, or aka GIFs. My god I hate these things. To me, they’re the white trash of the Internet, the bratty kid of social media who picks his nose then flings his boogers at you. In my opinion, writers who rely on GIFs to tell a story or to get their point across, are lazy and shouldn’t call themselves writers. You’re a frustrated animator who couldn’t get into CalArts but are in LOVE with ALL THINGS Pixar.

To those of you who don’t know what a GIF is, it’s well, I’m not going to waste perfectly good typing on it so I’ll let webopedia.com do the heavy lifting for me:

Pronounced jiff or giff (hard g) stands for graphics interchange format, a bit-mapped graphics file format used by the World Wide WebCompuServe and many BBSs. GIF supports color and various resolutions. It also includes data compression, but because it is limited to 256 colors, it is more effective for scanned images such as illustrations rather than color photos.

In other words, this:

(you need to click on both to see what I mean)

Aaaand this one.

Make. It. Stop.

 3) Auto-tune. This audio tool from hell was invented to take the talent-free and turn them into stars. Soon, music fans will only want to hear crappy shit that’s been auto-tuned, instead of those with real talent (who also — GASP — write THEIR OWN SONGS) like Paul Weller, the Black Crowes, Los Lobos, Elvis Costello … et-ceteraaaa … et-ceteraaaa …

4) Embracing mediocrity. A society that finds the Kardashian Klan intriguing is a doomed society.

Why are these people famous? They have really nothing to offer society, or anyone beyond their property lines. I find their antics, as well as those people who find them remotely important and newsworthy, to be one of the worst traits of my fellow human beings. I hope someone will explain this whole embracing mediocrity phenom to me soon. Is it because things are so shitty everywhere and folks are that stupid that they feel the need to worship those just as stupid? Is it because they see the success of the room-temperature IQ crowd as obtainable? And, while you’re at it, please show me a Venn Diagram as to why “The Jersey Shore” and Beyonce are useful and important. It pains me to think about the level of the mind that finds any of the aforementioned people necessary for the survival of the human race.

I bet Andy Warhol is rolling over in his grave and is quite amused at how well these folks have stretched out their 15 minutes of fame.

5) Not getting invited to key parties. This needs no further explanation.

6) Being unemployed. Not a new topic for me. It’s a bone of contention for a country where the unemployment rate is hovering around 9 percent. It’s frustrating and unnecessary, but there isn’t much I can do about it except spend two months out west looking for work.

7) War. What IS it good for really?

8) The death of ________. Lots of famous folks died so far in 2011. The ones I will miss are Elizabeth Taylor, Nick Ashford, Christopher Hitchens, Al Davis, Wangari Maathai, Andy Rooney and Andrew Gold.

The ones I will really miss are Steve Jobs …

and Uncle Leo …

and Sidney Lumet.

Finally, I will miss her the most.

Thank you all for contributions, your faults and and letting us see your joy, laughter and pain.