Just in time for Valentine’s Day …

For those who want to eat ass, without actually eating ass…

I present The Edible Anus!

Now, you too can eat ass that is not only tasty, but is free of that troublesome fecal matter.

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This is a most tasty treat, it’s probably as good as crack too! Just remember that after eating, you wipe your mouth very carefully, then wipe it one more time…front to back. Ingredients include ‘traces of nuts and milk protein’… and probably corn.

If you don’t buy ’em, you’re a butthole bigot.

But in all fairness, it probably tastes like ass though.

And on that note, I’m off. I’m a little behind in my day, so toodles!

(h/t to Brian, Amy, Lori, Leigh, Pete, Elliot, Bob and the Internets for inspiration.)

The Scent of Love?

Let me put it this way–for Valentine’s Day, I’d rather have a case of the clap than a case of this here perfume.

(courtesy NY Daily News)

(courtesy NY Daily News)

Turns out, our friendly neighbors to the north, found it necessary to invent perfume that smells like pizza. No, no..they couldn’t do something fun and useful like conjure up Eau de Geddy or a Maggie Trudeau Blow-Up Doll, they had to be all stinkin’ weird and marry one of my most favorite products in the world–perfume–with shit-tastic Pizza Hut pizza.

Kurt Kane, CMO of Pizza Hut, said: “Eau de Pizza Hut is one of the most sought-after and rarest of scents available.”

Sure it is–and not to mention–the most heinous.

Wankers.

However, the Canucks are not alone in creating crappy perfume (I’m looking at you, deader-than-dead Elizabeth Taylor and your Eau de Trailerpark-White Diamonds). The French–the arbiters of great taste, cheese, making B.O & hairy armpits on ladies sexy and haute couture, have really created a real sandwich a la merde. One of my fave parfumeurs, L’Artisan Parfumeurs created a scent–Dzing!–that smells like the circus. Apparently, it’s a soupcon of carny sweat, crazy, elephant dung (top notes), and lion semen, cotton candy and rotting hay (bottom notes). Of course, I don’t know if these really are the actual scents in this potion, but I refuse to go within a block of a bottle of this stuff. I mean, YUCK. Picture 8I hope my ultimate fave, Jo Malone, doesn’t follow suit.

Pizza stank isn’t the only scent that has been bottled and sold to the sheeple. Breathe in this one, folks.

Eau de Black Angus Anus anyone?

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I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day, and my reasons are a-plenty, and I won’t go into them here. The only redeeming quality this day has is it shares the same month as my birthday, which means I usually get half-price Valentine’s candy for birthday presents. Yep, I’m really winning in that respect.

I think Valentine’s Day is the champion of making all people–singletons, marrieds and smug marrieds–feel like crap. People rarely get what they want on Valentine’s Day, and not everyone looks good in red.

But, I’ll probably celebrate it in that inimitable McCrabass style: By going to a nice restaurant, getting my drink on then flashing mah boobs at my fellow patrons. And, if they don’t like it well, tough titties.

Happy VD

February. ‘Tis the month that celebrates Blacks, feeding birds, Kosovo’s independence and the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Also, ’tis the month of Valentine’s Day and, of course, my birthday.

I loathe Valentine’s Day. Always have, always will. My hatred of this day has nothing to do with whether or not I have a dear one in my life. It has to do with the over-hyped worshipping of a pervy, nekkid little kid wearing wings and carrying a bow and arrow who is all about shooting folks in the ass so they’ll fall in love — usually with the first person they spy with their little eyes. Also, the whole if-you-don’t-have-a-Valentine-on-Valentine’s-Day, then you’re a pathetic loser who has probably done something to deem yourself unworthy of love. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, then you suck out loud.

HOWEVER, during my daily news search, something crossed my path that has made me reconsider my feelings about Valentine’s Day. I now see it as a lovely, bright spot on this rancid rock we all call home. It’s worth celebrating now because of couples like this:

Happy Valentine’s Day, folks.