The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for the past week or so, but I’ve been busy…wait for it…WORKING. Yep, McCrabby managed to land herself a part-time–possibly temporary– gig. I can’t go into details just yet, BUT it does allow me share my gifts of writing, yapping and telling stories. Of course, the bottom could fall out and I’ll be back to keeping the couch down and yelling at kids to stay out of my liquor cabinet.

1) Ok, if I ever spied a man wearing such a tie, I’d have him arrested. This just screams douchebag.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

Apparently, this new fangled neck wear is all the rage among …well… I don’t know who or what for that matter. Hmm..maybe I need another image. You know, one that shows the Shortti in action.

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

On second thought, I’m gonna have to slap on a big NO on this one.

Next!

2) Umm…..

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer about going into the masturbation facility business. I’m gonna make a wad of cash building places where folks can quietly go blow their wads. And y’all thought I didn’t have any bidness sense. Haters.

Turns out our military industrial complex ain’t too keen on Marines choking the chicken and she-boppin’ all over Afghanistan. In fact, they’re so turned off by it that the powers-that-be concocted the above warning and posted it inside all of the porta-potties on the bases. Some on the inside think it’s a joke with one medic saying that you can’t get anything via semen (well one can get pregnant) unless an open wound happens to be in attendance. Eww. I couldn’t care less if Marines are playing with themselves..seriously. They’re in a shitty part of the world, fighting an even shittier war so why NOT let them diddle their puds every once in a while? Sheesh. It’s the least we can do.

3) I am very curious about this.

Screen shot 2013-10-09 at 9.31.24 AM

 

I’m morbidly curious. There, does that explanation sit better with you?

4) Oh goody. He’s single again.

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

Too bad he didn’t have the cajones to JUST age gracefully. He looks like one of my Il Bisonte handbags.

5) You really wanna know why I’m easing into veganism? Here’s one of the many reasons. H/t to Mother Jones.

40 Percent of Your Chicken Nugget Is Meat. The Rest Is…

bones, nerves, skin, feet, eyes, hair, claws, intestines, arteries, Republicans, herpes scabs, pus, scar tissue, Rick Santorum, afterbirth, varicose dick veins, egg shells, Brook Astor’s crotch, Pig Newtons, shedded snake skin, haggis, panty scrape, meconium, Putin’s asscrack sweat, Laplander jiz, Rice-A-Roni, John Boehner’s gin-soaked salty nutsack and pubic lice.

Ok, I went a titch overboard there, but you get the general idea. That shit’s bad for you.

 

 

Piggies, guns & honey

The other evening, I had dinner with an old editing pal, Darrin. We went to this great place in Echo Park called Mohawk Bend–a former movie theater turned eatery–which features a menu of locally grown ingredients, as well as a bar stocked with local brews and other spirits like organic rum. The food was quite good, the crowd was a hipster parade (I counted about 15 men who were wearing porkpie hats and long scarves), and the conversation was top-notch–as it always is with Mr. Navarro. When it was time for dessert, one of the choices featured honey as an ingredient, and we were curious as to why honey isn’t considered vegan. Now, I admit I don’t know much about honey because it’s not something I seek out when cooking, well, anything. Simply, I can live without it. What I’m hoping for is that someone will do the heavy lifting for me because I’m too lazy to look it up myself.

Onward and upward.

For the past few days, I’ve been in Los Angeles researching my book and checking out the job scene. Plus, I’ve been catching up with old pals and writing. It’s been a successful trip so far that is helping me to gain perspective on my life. Some visits have been more emotional than others, but that’s good. The emotions help me to narrow my focus, and think about what it is I truly want out of this life. It will be an interesting ride. Stay tuned.

Since I’ve been galavanting around LA, I haven’t been paying that close attention to the news. Fortunately, due to a head cold and cruddy weather, today was a catch-up day. Looks like I’ve missed some good stuff–well, lots of good stuff.

Like this lil’ nugget. From TPM/CBS News.

Birther Oathkeeper Convicted In Attempted

Courthouse Takeover

Again with this birther crap? This is SO last year, not to mention SO boring, SO proven that Obama is ‘murican, and SO racist. Before any of you birthers out there start in with the “I’m not racist” party line, here’s your pre-emptive “SHUTTIE!” Yes, you CAN be a racist minus the white hoods and burning crosses. Words and actions are just as hate-filled as those silly white costumes.

Continue please…

“Georgia birther and Oathkeeper Darren Huff was convicted Tuesday of attempting to take over a Tennessee courthouse and conduct citizen’s arrests on officials.” 

This happened in the South? Quelle surprise! I am shocked, SHOCKED to learn this type of behavior happens south of the Mason-Dixon.

As always, there’s more.

“After a week-long trial, a jury convicted Huff of knowingly carrying a firearm in interstate commerce with the intent to use it in a civil disorder, but acquitted him of using a firearm in relation to another felony, CBS News reports.

The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung.

Huff will be sentenced in February. He faces up to five years in prison.”

They should add another five years for being a complete dickhead, with really bad chin pubes.

Darren Huff

 “The case dates back to April 2010 when Huff, carrying a Colt .45 and an AK-47, went to Tennessee to conduct citizens’ arrests on officials. Huff, a member of the Oath Keepers, said he going to support Walter Francis Fitzpatrick, a leader of the birther and Patriot group American Grand Jury, who was arrested for trying to perform a citizen’s arrest on a Grand Jury foreman. Fitzpatrick was angry that court officials didn’t let him pursue a Grand Jury trial against “illegal alien, infiltrator and impostor” President Obama, and other “domestic enemies.”

I’m gonna let that graph speak for itself. I can’t top this man’s ridiculous behavior with any type of additional commentary.

As for the following, I will comment–with pleasure.

“In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand when he said: “my government has called me a potential domestic terrorist.”

“It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment,” Huff also said. ‘I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.’ “

Ok, you half-wit hayseed, when you bring a couple of loaded weapons into a court house and threaten civic officials, including the POTUS, you are a domestic terrorist AND on the same level as Timothy McVeigh. Yes, that guy. The difference is, you’re even more of a moron that McVeigh was and the Feds are paying better attention to idiot folks with guns who want to kill the President and fellow citizens.

As for the unable to get employment because of that pesky federal indictment quip … is it not obvious enough or should I comment on it?

Time to move on and not a moment too soon because the above story was starting to depress the crap out of me.

I’m hoping the popularity of reality tee vee shows is coming to an end because the latest crop of shows just proves that Hollywood is in dire need of something new that doesn’t star anything Kardashian, or involve has-been celebs doing anything whilst exposing flesh. I happened across these two shows recently, and had to force myself to watch an episode of each one just to prove that I wasn’t in some sort of drug-induced state. Someone actually thought these shows were a good idea, and what’s even scarier is someone is getting paid a lot of money to think up such shows. I’m still not clear as to why someone thought it was a good idea to base a show around killing wild boars. Or a show about catching fish with your hands and feet. Sure, boars can be dangerous, but like any other wild animal, if you keep your distance and not fuck with them, they’ll leave you alone.

Making a show about a family of boar hunters is definitely scraping the bottom of the reality show barrel. Now, a show about a family of boor hunters, well, I’d watch that.