Revenge Roman Style

History is one of my favorite subjects and since I was raised in the public school system, my knowledge of US history is strong while my knowledge of world history ain’t that great. Fortunately, studying history is in my blood — my father is a history buff and I am now embracing that “inheritance” full-on.

Then there’s my pal, Tom Sito. I worked with him at Disney Feature animation years ago, and we got along right away because of our quick wits and fondness for trivia and history. Sito sends out a daily history email, which I’ve been getting for about 15 years now and not only is it informative, it’s a HOOT.

One of the today’s entries is no exception.

96 A.D. ROMAN EMPEROR DOMITIAN ASSASSINATED.

Domitian was a crazy tyrant in the mold of Nero and Caligula. He once ordered all the fortunetellers, sorcerers, swamis and such driven out of Rome. Their guild got together and retaliated by doing a group prediction of Domitian’s assassination: Sept. 18th on the eleventh hour.

Domitian pretended not to care but on the day spent all day locked indoors with a sword under his pillow. He didn’t come out until his slaves and butlers assured him the eleventh hour had passed. Domitian came out and was promptly murdered by his slaves and butlers. They lied. It was the eleventh hour. 

BUT WAIT! IT GETS WEIRDER … A Roman mob drags Domitian’s body through the streets on a hook and chain. They tried to stuff him into the sewer but he was too fat, so they tore the body to pieces and threw the chunks into the Tiber.

BUT WAIT! IT GETS EVEN WEIRDER!! The Roman Senate told his wife the Empress Valeria no hard feelings, if she needed anything…. She requested to be allowed to keep one statue of her husband in the Forum. The Senate approved. Unbeknown to them fishermen had fished out the pieces of Domitian. Valeria took the fish-knawed chunks to an Egyptian doctor and had him sew them back into something resembling a man. Then she told her artists to make a statue of the cadaver. This horrid statue she put in the forum to remind Roman’s of ‘their ingratitude’.

See? I fucking love this stuff. He was chopped up, tossed into the Tiber, then scooped out again by a grieving but pissed off Empress, and sewn together then put on display for all of Rome to feast their eyes upon. Back then, it seems the Romans had it all over the rest of civilization when it came to enacting revenge on those who have wronged them. Today, folks do shit like make films that they know will incite riots and the rest of the world watches in horror as revenge is delivered fast and harsh. Quite cowardly, in my humble opinion.

Kinda makes me wonder what living during the time of the Roman Empire was really like.

Why yes, I AM easily amused!

A few things captured my attention today thanks to my friends Stephanie and Erik. Originally, I posted these gems on my Facebook page, but since my privacy settings are tighter than a nun’s ass, I decided to post & provide McCrabass commentary. Oh joy!

Speechless is the best way to describe my reaction to this morsel. Why oh why would any man want to inflict menstrual pain on hisself? The Japanese have invented some cray-cray crap over the years.

And ..

Sure, these items are odd but the menstruation machine is the apex of odd. Stinkin’ weird. What type of mind thinks of this? It’s fascinating yet scary to think of what kind of upbringing the inventor and his helper had (the helper being an ob/gyn–makes me wonder what med school gave this Steinmetz a med degree). Who, in their right mind, thinks that having a period would be something worth experiencing? Why would anyone who doesn’t have the proper plumbing, want to go through the cramping, the bitchiness, the flow-from-hell, the bloating, the urge to pick up a semi-automatic and start picking off people randomly? What the shit is wrong with people? Maybe this guy should shove a couple of heavy-days tampon up his poop shoot for affect.

Stephanie Goldberg…you know me so well.

When I worked on “Fantasia 2000” back in the day, I met one of the bestest people ever: Erik Smith. We had so much fun on that film–watching the daily antics of the producers, the artists and other production folks–with bemused looks on our faces & sotto voce comments to one another. Erik ended up with the coolest job on that film: He was the Brizzi PA. What’s a Brizzi you ask? ‘Brizzi’ is the last name of twin brothers, Paul and Gaetan, who are amazing artists. They directed a “Fantasia” segment AND they were/are the nicest guys around. Working with them was a privilege too because they were really passionate about their work so it didn’t feel like work. It felt like animation/art school. Kind of a cool experience for a girl from the far Western ‘burbs of Chicago.

Paul and Gaetan Brizzi

But, back to Erik. He’s a HOOT. And, since we’ve re-connected on Facebook, we’ve picked up where we left off in a cyber-kind-of-way by posting odd articles on each other’s pages quite frequently. Today was no exception. I was at work when this appeared in my newsfeed and I had to bite my lower lip to keep from doing a McCrabass imitation of that horrible, ear-splitting Julia Roberts cackle in the middle of a quiet newsroom. I know, your ears are bleeding just thinking of that horrible noise. *shudder* Sorry folks..we all gotta experience pain in life. If I have to go through it, so do you.

What I like the most about this invention, is the variety that’s offered from casual to oh-so-fancy–as if your pet is really gonna give a shit what mom jeans your fake lap is wearing when he/she flops his mange-y ass on it. However, once these make millions of dollars for the inventor, I’ll be slapping my noggin saying,”Why didn’t I think of that?? What a dumbass I am. First the Sham-Wow and now this?? I’m never gonna hit it big.”

Well, maybe I won’t hit it big. But at least I don’t want to blast this country to oblivion like this hayseed. Thanks a lot, Utah. You really DON’T get it, do you?