My Uh-Duh! Moment

Remember Oprah? You know, the one-woman media magnate who revitalized Chicago’s West Loop, gave audience members cars, did Stedman and maybe Gayle, got people reading again, is responsible for unleashing the hackfests that are Drs. Phil & Oz and Suze Orman, and who empowered millions of upper-middle class women the world over? Yep, that Oprah–the one and only.

During her media tenure, Oprah had several positive, love thyself phrases that were seen as avenues her fans could travel in order to live better lives. (Nothing wrong with trying to better one’s life, of course.) One was the whole “Remembering Your Spirit” vignettes that were popular in the early aughts, and one of the last ones was “Aha! Moments.” Basically, Aha! Moments are similar to “Come to Jesus” moments or EPIPHANIES as they are known to us non-religious folks. Some person (usually a woman) figures out somewhere along the line that her life is more than a dress size, her baby-making abilities and by being a dutiful daughter/sister/niece/wife/aunt, etc.

Oprah’s magazine and tee vee show featured mainly the Aha! Moments of famous folks, who have all the money ever but decided it’s necessary to give back to us serfs. Most efforts are to be applauded because, dammit, they should be giving back. Some of these moments are just famous folks engaging in navel gazing and that’s just boring as all hell.

I’ve had a few Aha! Moments in my life. (this ain’t one, but the vid still works)

One moment urged me to go to school in Southern California, then another brought me back to finish my studies in Madison. Oh, then there was the engagement that ended badly in my 20s…then the switching of careers and moving back to the Midwest….yeah.

What else? Yes, getting a master’s degree which lead to me getting my ass kicked in a new, but fab, career. Super fun!

Most of my Aha! Moments have been good for my soul, but then there are those that kicked the ever-lovin’ crap outta me, watched me crumble, then came back and kicked me AGAIN just for shits and giggles. I’ve realized since that life is one, big, fat, steaming pile of chunk-filled Aha! Moments. The trick is learning how to handle them with grace, humor and a pair of handwraps, boxing gloves and a heavy bag.

Now that I’ve got THAT figured out, onto what Uh-Duh! Moments are. Simply, Uh-Duh! Moments are “what the hell did I just do?” moments. I’ve had a shitload of them in my life and it’s safe to say that MOST of those moments have occurred in the past couple of years. I’m not exactly proud of these “oops” either, but I figured I’d share them here so y’all can either point & mock, or nod your heads, sigh and utter ‘Yeah, I’ve done that too, Julia.”

The first one involves honey.

This particular Uh-Duh! Moment made me realize that I truly hate honey. Loathe it actually. I think it’s disgusting and tastes like what I imagine rancid bee sweat mixed with bee urine tastes like. I’ve given it my all–tried to develop a taste for it by serving it on toast, in my tea, my oatmeal, and I even used it in my hair–what the fuck for–I don’t know. Well, I thought I’d be the bigger person and give it one more shot.

This time, I used it on my face because the woman who waxes me (shut UP) said it made a great facial mask because it was all natural and has some sort of healing qualities. Ok, ok, I said to her as she was putting wax on places that don’t normally need wax (ahem), I’ll give it a try. Again.

So, a couple of nights ago, I had a couple of gals over for a semi-nude slumber party and we decided to try the honey facial mask treatment. We each put our hair in pigtails, giggled A LOT, slipped into our silk camis, Hello Kitty! tap pants, and our Uggs, and then slathered our mugs in warm honey.

Then, we left it there for about 15 minutes and during that time, chose teams for the midnight pillow fight (my team won, natch). After rinsing the golden ooze from my face and hair, I kept waiting for the healing qualities to happen. Five minutes went by–nothing. Fifteen, 20, 25–still nothing. At thirty minutes, my skin was starting to tighten and darken like the skin on one of Ed Gein’s lampshades. Feeling the anger starting to rise and my feet starting to sweat in my Uggs, I slathered my face in uber-hydrating moisturizer, and kicked my Uggs off. After a brief tickle fight with the gals, I tossed the bottle of honey in the trash.

The following morning while I was cleaning up post-semi nude slumber party, I wondered why I had given honey another chance–I hated it years ago–how was that going to change now?

Hmm…maybe it’s not only a Ah-Duh! Moment, it’s an I’m frickin’ stupid moment too.

“If you wanna run with the big dogs …. “

” … you gotta learn how to shit in the tall grass.” My sage advice to Mr. Romney, courtesy of my late-Southern gentleman grandfather.

The presidential campaign is well underway and we’re already seeing some world-class bitching, pissing and moaning (and not to mention straight-up lying) from the Mitt Romney campaign. Oh, but Mitt’s whining is epic.

Last week, Boston Globe reporter Christopher Rowland wrote a great story about how Mr. Romney left Bain later than the “official” 1999 date. Of course, Mr. Romney and his minions got their tighty whities in a bunch about the “accusations” (SEC filings sporting Mr. Romney’s name past 1999 aren’t “accusations”) and demanded the Globe print a retraction. The editor said no, of course, since the story was reported using cold, hard facts.

Bravo to the Globe and to Mr. Rowland to not bowing to the pressure of a billionaire who happens to be the former gov of Massachusetts.

Of course, the Obama campaign took this info and ran with it. And rightly so. In a recent interview, President Obama said  — paraphrasing here — that if Mr. Romney wants to use his success at Bain as his ticket to fixing the economy, he’s got to be completely open and honest about his entire tenure at the company, not just certain years. Oh and he has to release all of his tax returns.

Now, Mr. Romney is demanding that the President apologize for his comments, a request that met with a resounding NO from the POTUS. Why should he apologize? ‘Tis all fair game, correct? I mean, Mr. Romney is on the steering birther wagon by not disputing the whack-job part of the base that’s deep in his corner..you know which part I’m talking about — the folks who STILL believe the President wasn’t born here. By not slapping those folks down by doing what McCain did during the ’08 campaign (Google “Crazy McCain Lady”), and by  trying to keep Bain from being uttered by reporters during pressers, just proves that he lacks the courage and the integrity to lead this great country.

Mr. Obama’s unemotional yet firm NO is to be expected. He knows that there are other things that need attention during this campaign, so others are telling Mr. Romney to put his big boy pants on. My fab fave comment comes from my mayor — Rahm Emanuel on ABC’s “This Week”:

“Stop whining,” Emanuel said. “If you want to claim Bain Capital as your calling card to the White House, then defend what happened at Bain Capital.”

Mayor Rahm gives good face (courtesy of gawker.com)

Now that Rahm has spoken, can we please get back to the important issues?