Five Things-The Polar Vortex Edition: 1/28/14

Well, I’ve reached my winter weight. Wanna know how and why?

1) THIS–

photo (1)

 

See, the Polar Vortex has told us to get bent, and I did during my commute the other day. I spent 10 minutes on the Metra platform waiting for the train and how did I entertain myself? By watching the track crews use a mini-flamethrower to thaw out the switches on the track. The Union Pacific workers looked like they would’ve preferred a railroad spike to the back of the noggin than dealing with the ball-freezing wind.

It’s so damn cold out that I can’t exercise. Tis a titch too cold for a dip in Lake Michigan, see. Plus, the gyms around here blow donk, so no exercise for McCrabby…at least not for another week or so.

In short, this is the shittiest winter ever…. so far. I can’t do it anymore so I quit.

2) Here’s where I’ll be spending my newfound free time.

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For you serfs who don’t know any better, Cruz Bay is on St. John, and St. John is part of the USVI, or United States Virgin Islands. It’s one of my fave places to go to in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to sip Cruzan Rum whilst watching the hermit crab races after witnessing the green flash as the sun sets over the Caribbean. When I’m done with that bit of entertainment, I’ll take my top off and run through the streets of Cruz Bay.

One of the many great things about St. John is the entire island is a national park so there aren’t any private beaches. But, it’s ok to get drunk and flash your boobs too.

3) So the Winter Olympics are coming up and get this–

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It’s warmer in Sochi, Russia than it is in Chicago. That ain’t right. But then again, Sochi is considered the tropical resort town of Russia, so it totally makes sense to have the Winter Olympics there, right?

4) Ahem.

photo (3)Bite me, Alaska.

5) This song makes me think of the beach, the tropics, the sand..men with surfboards..

Enjoy!

(pardon the cheesiness of this vidya..it was the best recording though)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One down …

It’s been a while since I’ve woken up to 70 degree weather — in January. Am I complaining? Hell no — especially since I know what kind of atmospheric fuckery is going on back home. This morning was spent contemplating my next few moves for ye olde career and getting used to the quirks of the apartment. I do think it’s haunted — I just hope my little apparition doesn’t turn into a wraith and drink all of my wine and eat my Trader Joe’s Molasses Chews.

Last night, I dined with my dearest friend, David at Casa Bianca Pizza in lovely Eagle Rock after he dropped off a box of my supplies I sent to myself — really, it’s not as masturbatory-fabulous as it sounds — my box was filled with droopy sweaters, tampons and various other sundries. The pizza was excellent, even better was the conversation — it was almost as if I had never left California lo those many years ago. But I did leave and the friendship changed, but there are some common threads left that are still quite strong. We’re different people from when we were roommates with Kimmie Kim at the Palazzo on Beverly Glen and Olympic, which is a good thing the more I think about it. Also, I don’t think any of us could survive the Lump again.

I drove in circles today — it’s safe to say I haven’t found my bearings quite yet. York Blvd. goes in all sorts of wacky directions and I’ve yet to find a news stand. The Trader Joe’s in my old hood is still hopping — so much so that a local lesbian hit on me in the cheese section. Yeaaahhh … you’re nice — mom-nice — but there will be no tapping of that. Wait … I’m in LA …. maybe I should consider it since things are different out here, it’s the land of fruits and nuts, dykes, trannies, d-girls, clowns and the Kardashians. They’re people too! C’mon! Hmm.. hmm.. NO. I love women, but I don’t LOVE women.

And on that note, time to worship St. Mattress.