Smock the Monkey

This is the story of the year. I’m surprised y’all can’t hear me cackling because it.. it…is just so damn funny and RANDOM.

Monkey found roaming Toronto Ikea

Not that unusual, I know, especially in this day and age. Perhaps the Gawker hed is more telling:

Shearling Coat-Wearing Monkey Found Wandering Around Canadian Ikea

(courtesy gawker.com)

(courtesy gawker.com)

Turns out the monkeh was left in the car whilst his owners went into the Toronto Ikea to buy cheap-ass furniture and probably dine on Swedish meatballs for a dollar. I’m thinkin’ the critter got bored, and since monkeys are fuckloads smarter than most humans, he opened the car door whilst muttering obscenities under his monkeh breath, climbed out of the car and into the cold parking lot while pulling his coat tighter around him and hiking up his Huggehs for Monkehs to avoid drippage. He then followed the rest of the huddled masses into the country that is Ikea.

Fortunately for security cameras and folks with smartphones, his journey was caught for us to enjoy as well. The monkeh is fine, according to officials.

I have a feeling that the monkeh had an easier time of figuring out how to put Ikea furniture together than his owners did.

Straight from the horse’s …

I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I also don’t know what the hell to say about this.

Aussie Michael Francis Klan Sends Video of Himself Having Sex with Horse to Ex-Wife

from Moral Low Ground

An Australian man has been sentenced to two years’ probation after being found guilty of having sex with a horse and then sending his ex-wife a video of the shocking event.

The Queensland Times reports that Michael Francis Klan, 36, of Fairney View pleaded guilty to carnal knowledge of a horse, or bestiality, in Ipswich District Court. Klan recorded himself raping the horse and then sent his ex-wife messages asking if she wanted see video or photos of the crime. After sending her a video, she notified police and showed them the footage.

Crown Prosecutor Caroline Marco called Klan’s shocking actions “disturbing and abhorrent,” and a psychiatrist testified that he needed specialized treatment for his zoophilia and other issues.

While Judge Sarah Bradley concurred that Klan’s crime was “disgusting” and an outrage to the community, she took into account the stress he was under due to his failed marriage and other problems. Bradley sentenced Klan to two years’ probation with the condition that he get any treatment programs deemed appropriate.

Steve Kissick, Klan’s defense barrister, said his client has found a new girlfriend, who is standing by him during his ordeal.

It’s not a tumah …

For the most part, I believe that plastic surgery and all sub-categories of it are a good thing. It helps people with jack shit for self-esteem feel better about themselves by correcting hook noses, weak chin issues, sagging earlobes and boobage, and facial lines as deep as the Grand Canyon. Of course, plastica is used for good, like when someone was maimed or scarred in some horrible manner. But this is not the case here.

Sometimes I wonder which image I would prefer staring at: A plate of rotting meat mixed with maggots, feathers, rotting eggs, or someone sitting across from me with a sutured visage complete with pus and yuck oozing out of it.

Hmm .. I’ll take the meat please

Of course, plastic surgery is rife with those who abuse it.

(courtesy cdn.sheknows.com/)

 

 

(courtesy of thumpandwhip.com)

I could write a book called Dull Knife: Profiles in Bad Plastic Surgery, but nah. Not into it. Anyway, you get the idea.

Now, we’ve got a bunch of nimrods who are into shooting buckets of saline into their foreheads, then pressing a thumb in the middle of the bulbous splotch to add a little more drama. No, not to eliminate lines, but to look as if they have a bagel IN THEIR FOREHEAD. I mean, when I first saw this new look, all I could think of was Rocky Whathisname from “Mask.” Or Joseph/John Merrick.

Now, if I were to do this, I’d add a big eye to the ‘hole’ and cover up my real eyes, then  act like a cyclops. It would give me something to do.

Someone please essplain to me why this is necessary because I’m at a loss.