Hey, it’s a good word and that’s why I wrote it.
Well, welcome back.
Also, welcome to a new blog I’ve started. It’s called Hey Hey Julia, and if you get the reference, you’re golden. If you didn’t, well, I feel sorry for you … and not in a good way.
See you there soon.
The five worst songs. It’s a tall order. We’re talkin’ Sears Tower tall.
I’ve been mulling about writing such a post for a long time. It’s a toughie because there’s so much shitty music out there that’s been poisoning our souls for decades.
Recently, I ran this topic up the flagpole that is Facebook, and received many varied responses. What I hate, others love and what others hate, I love. I toyed with the idea of adding my friends’ responses, but naaaaah … nah … this ain’t about them. If they wanna bitch about music, they can start their own blogs.
Narrowing the list to FIVE isn’t easy which is why I’m working on an installment plan. Stay tuned for more lists like this.
Aaand we’re off!
Oh, and these are in no particular order.
1) “We Built This City” by Starship, or Jefferson Airplane or Jefferson Starship or whatever the entire fuck they were calling themselves back then.
This next tidbit made me wanna hurl: Bernie Taupin CO-WROTE this shit sandwich. Yes, possibly the finest lyricist of any generation co-penned this fucker. I do hope he got paid well because this is embarrassing. And Abraham Lincoln jamming in this video? If he were alive today, he’d go back to the Ford Theater for an encore after learning he lip-synched the lyrics.
2) “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman.
Seriously, run the fuck over the person with a big, fast car who thought this was a good song to do. This song makes me wanna hurt myself because it’s such a doggie downer. It’s like “Requiem For A Dream” but the song version. When I’m driving, and I hear the first few guitar licks of this song on the radio, I have to change the channel immediately or I’ll slam head-first into the first cement truck I see just to put me out of my misery.
I couldn’t even find the original video for this and you wanna know why? Because even the folks who did the vid think it sucks, therefore, they didn’t relinquish the rights to let folks watch it on the Internets.
3) “What I Am” by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians.
You know, it physically hurts me to write about this song, but I need to. I gotta get it out…you know..to heal my dark soul.
Let’s take a gander at those bon mots a bit more closely:
I’m not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I’m not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah
I remember when this song came out, and she was allll the rage of my generation. “Oh, she’s so deep–she says that philosophy is as simple as what’s written on breakfast food packaging…”
I thought she needed a bath, and a good stylist.
The Paul Simons, in court. (via AP)
Now all she needs is a good lawyer.
Oh, Mrs. Paul Simon… I just can’t.
4) “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones
I swear, this is the child rapists’ anthem.
Here’s the convo I just had about this song:
Me: He’s a fucking Pervy McPerversons!
Pal: What? (He starts watching the vid)
After a few seconds…
Pal: It’s not like he wants to bang her! He wants pick her up, and fly her around…in the night!
He keeps watching…
Pal: I like his shirt though.
Me: SHE’S SIXTEEN!
We continue watching…
Me: Eww, he’s wearing JAZZ SHOES and they’re on a carpet. She’s wearing nude hose with wedge sandals so I guess it’s ok.
Pal: Why didn’t anyone complain about this when it was originally released?
Me: Dunno. Maybe pervy men weren’t a problem back in the early ’80s.
Pal: Here’s what the lyrics SHOULD be:
She’s not the age of consent
She makes me hard, I say
I’m just a giant perv, mmkay…
Here are some of the lyrics …
She’s just 16 years old
Leave her alone, they say
Separated by fools
Who don’t know what love is yet
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I’d pick you up
I’d take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you’ve never seen, ever seen
This song is quite catchy–if you pay no attention to the lyrics whatsoever.
I’m done.
5) “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors
What woman would send a doofus in a stupid cardigan and wool cap flowers? Who would want to ‘talk for hours’ with someone who probably doesn’t bathe and therefore, smells like ass and patchouli?
This song is a suck-fest on so many levels … the cloying guitar riffs, the unimaginative drum line … the insipid lyrics. Oy vey.
They’re almost as sucky as the Counting Crows.
I have seen some strange shit during my time here on Earth. Yes, I’m well aware that others have seen/witnessed/experienced some either stranger shit too, but I’m not talking about them.
Now, when I was a teen, I did stupid shit too…cow tipping, stealing road signs, drinking bad beer and hanging out in Jack Conner’s basement whilst listening to “Dark Side of the Moon,” and sneaking into Chicago at the tender age of 14 to see the Clash when I was *really* at a sleep-over at a friend’s house. Ahem.
Some of our actions were dumb (many aren’t named here to protect the innocent/me), but we never did this crap.
Talk about some ill shit…
1) Could be time to ban Burt’s Bees.
(via WKRC/Gawker)
“WKRC in Cincinnati reports that kids like the tingling sensation they get from using beeswax lipbalm not as prescribed, because it enhances the experience of being drunk or high.
“It’s the peppermint oil that’s causing the burning sensation and I suppose some people think that is kind of funny,” Dr. Brett Cauthen of Oklahoma City’s Today Clinic speculated to WKRC.
Beezin’ isn’t all burning sensations and giggles, though. Cauthen warns it could lead to inflammation in the eye, redness of the eye, or swelling.
But is this mildly irritating trend for real? The evidence to consider includes an Urban Dictionary entry posted in 2010 (tracing it back to Colby College), a 2013 music video by a New Jersey “comedian musician” who writes “parodies,” and a few YouTube videos of kids trying beezin’ for themselves.”
It’s probably a hoax, but let’s ban the shit out of Burt’s Bees anyway. Why? Just cuz.
2) I’ve semi-enjoyed illegal substances from time to time, and I’ve witnessed plenty of folks doing all sorts of illegal ill shit, but this..well..it takes the fucking cake.
(via UPI)
Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library is putting its restrooms on lockdown after having problems with hypodermic needles and other drug paraphernalia clogging the drains.
Once locksmiths complete the transition, patrons will have to trade their library card or ID for a bathroom key.
“We’re hoping to have this done by the end of the week, as soon as the locksmith can do the work,” head librarian Rubi Simon told the Burlington Free Press.
Despite the nature of the items that have been causing the clogging, Simon said there was no evidence that drugs were being used in the bathrooms or anywhere else in the library.
“Fortunately, we caught it early enough so there was no damage to the bathrooms,” Simon said.
After reading about needles in drains, I prefer this scenario instead.
3) This dingus lost all credibility after claiming he’s a ‘sovereign citizen’ and ‘doesn’t recognize the U.S. government’ after he was pictured waving an American flag. Oh, then there’s the whole ‘I’m not paying grazing fees because fuck you.’
You, Cliven Bundy, are an idiot AND a criminal for not paying your grazing fees. The gov’t ain’t being ‘tyrannical,’ you are. He’s going after everyone now…calling those who live in subsidized housing ‘freeloaders’ even though he and his cattle have been doing it for years.
You’re not a patriot, Mr. Bundy. You’re an asshole.
At first, conservatives were actually siding with this guy. Conservatives who represent us. They agreed with him, until it their minions figured out that agreeing with a domestic terrorist might hurt their chances at snagging the White House in 2016.
“Here’s a comment from Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has also been supportive of Bundy’s cause: “His remarks on race are offensive and I wholeheartedly disagree with him.” (via WaPo)
Uh huh…riiiight, Mr. Paul. You know, if it walks like a duck ….
4) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Question: Do people actually go to IKEA for the food?? Really? Why? There are so many fine restaurants surrounding all IKEAs so why eat there? I’d like to hear from those who go to IKEA to eat. Please. I do wanna know, and I’ll try my hardest not to mock you.
If Montana ain’t careful, it’s gonna become the next Florida.
Case in point–
1)
(via The Montana Standard)
(via the Montana Standard)
“A Walkerville man is accused of licking a police officer’s eye during his arrest.
Christopher Nicholas Hiatt, 34, is in jail on a felony charge of assault on a peace officer and misdemeanor charges of assault with a bodily fluid, criminal contempt and probation violation.”
Ok, what the entire fuck? Hiatt licked a cop’s eyeball? I understand licking a cop’s balls, but his eyeballs? How? Whaa? How did the cops let Hiatt get that close? What’s really going on here?
2) So..wait..is it possible that my Nigerian prince really isn’t a prince?
(via The Montana Standard)
“Fraudulent money sent by a Butte man’s Nigerian sweetheart — whom he met on the Internet — has been traced as the source of some counterfeit bills circulating around town.
This weekend the man, who thought the cash was legitimate, attempted to use fake $100 bills to wire money to his girlfriend. The cash was used at Albertson’s, Walmart and Safeway to purchase money wires to Nigeria.
Police say $900 of the fake money has been recovered. But, they suspect about $3,000 in $100 bills may have been used by the man.”
Oops.
3) I’m so glad someone found my vibrator.
(via International Business Tribune)
“Norwegian hobby fisherman Bjørn Frilund was in for a shock when he fileted a 5-pound cod he had just caught and found an orange dildo in the fish’s stomach.
“I was astonished,” Frilund, 64, told the Local, a Norwegian English language website, on Friday. “It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before.”
While it’s unclear how the sex toy became a meal for the cod, Frilund has a theory: “a frustrated woman on a cruise” chucked the dildo off a ship in the nearby Barents Sea and the fish mistook the sex toy for the fish’s typical prey.”
I may be frustrated, but I’m NOT that frustrated. More importantly, I’d never toss a perfectly good dildo away.
Side note: “Fish Dildo” is a GREAT band name.
4) I wanna put my mouth on this.
(via UPI/Odd News)
(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)
5) Turn it up. LOUD.
1) I’m so glad misogyny is still a thing.
2) I went to this the other night. It was spectacular.
I love John Doe’s voice, so much so I told him afterwards at the merch table. He blushed and smiled. Said he liked my freckles. Bought a t-shirt from him. Met Dave Alvin too, made him laugh.
He sang this.
3) I’m thinkin’ that MAYBE they should make these machines a little less accessible to tots.
(Via UPI)
“LINCOLN, Neb., April 16 (UPI) — A Nebraska 3-year-old who escaped from his mother’s Lincoln apartment was discovered at a nearby bowling alley, but he wasn’t interested in rolling 10 frames.
Kael Ireland was found inside the “Bear Claw” machine at Madsen’s Bowling & Billiards after he somehow wandered into the establishment and crawled up the game’s prize slot so he could play with the toys inside.”
The photo is priceless. The kid just looks so damn happy, so I says just leave him there.
4) So, in India, public defecation is a huge problem. What, you say? Believe it or not, there aren’t enough toilets to service a billion people, so out-in-the-open-dumps are a thing.
Until now.
Indian officials and UNICEF are working hard at getting the message across to the world’s largest democracy that public pooping is kinda gross, not to mention completely unsanitary.
Enter the Poo2Loo program. Of course, there’s a vidya explaining why public-loaf-pinching is a bad thing.
5) I don’t see mahself getting sick of this song any time soon.
1) Oh for fuck’s sake..they’re never gonna find that fucking plane.
It’s gone. Vapor. Too bad Malaysia lacked the balls to handle this whole mess correctly from the beginning. No wonder Al Qaida loves it there–y’all are clueless.
All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)
As much as I’d like to think the crew and passengers are safe, they’re not. It’s heartbreaking, and the families didn’t have to go through this shit storm.
2) One thing I’ve discovered is that if you get enough coffee in me, I can sing just like Carly Simon. True story.
3) Update to number 2: Add pot with the coffee, and I can sing just like Carol Channing.
4) One of the fun things about being a writer is if anyone fucks with you, you can write about it. Put it down on paper, in blog, book, or even on the bathroom wall. One doesn’t have to write it out verbatim which is nice. Plus, writing it out word-for-word could land you in court. I had this happen to me recently–being verbally berated for being me. I honestly don’t know where it came from, and I’ll admit it stung a bit.
Kinda like a kick to the tits when they’re sore–you know, like right before menses starts.
I told a few friends that being called fat and ugly wouldn’t have hurt so much.
However, almost as quickly as it entered my soul, it left and being the creative type that I am, I immediately wrote it all down for future use. It’s been put in the holster and will surface at the primo moment.
Until then, anything you want to say to me, g’head and mail it to my ass.
5) It’s PROBABLY not a good idea to fuck with an airline on Twitter about Al Qaida.
(via NY Daily News)
It gets better. Really.
(via Uproxx)
When they made you dumb, they made you really dumb.
(via Uproxx)
Spring has sprung, so I guess I’m back. I’ve been writing nothing but news stories so writing fun stuff is strange to me right now. Oh but never fear: My wit will return.
What’s been going on? Much.
1) HAVE A PIECE OF PHYSICAL THERAPY PIE. Physical therapy and more physical therapy. For those just tuning in, I’m getting intensive PT to help repair my shoulder after severely dislocating it back before the first Polar Vortex in January. I had to let it heal for a few months which meant no physical exercise at all. The one thing I learned through all of this is how much falling down the el station stairs, popping my shoulder out so far that it I could scratch my ankle without bending over, AND spending six hours in a dank ER, is how much of a huge-as-fuck-hit my self-esteem took. Couple that with the bone-chilling, ass-crack cold we experienced, and you’re looking at 13-year old me. You know the type–teenage girl with serious braces, a tight, curly perm, GREEN EYE SHADOW, pervy-dude-attracting-boobs and the personality of well, grass.
Where was I going with this? I dunno, but I do know this: PT is brutal and I’m an old fart.
2) She’s BACK.
“Get the government out of my fuckin’ snatch.”
and…
3) Sometimes I think living in Colorado wouldn’t be so bad. Via UPI.
I have a feeling that Colorado is gonna lose that “One of The Mostest Fittest States in the Union” moniker since munchies are such a huge part of partaking in doobage. Don’t believe me? Ok. Just watch.
4) Aaaaaaand then sometimes I think living in Colorado would suck. Lemme preface this by saying it’s the middle of April.
5) Finally, I’m seriously considering doing this.
Well, I’ve reached my winter weight. Wanna know how and why?
1) THIS–
See, the Polar Vortex has told us to get bent, and I did during my commute the other day. I spent 10 minutes on the Metra platform waiting for the train and how did I entertain myself? By watching the track crews use a mini-flamethrower to thaw out the switches on the track. The Union Pacific workers looked like they would’ve preferred a railroad spike to the back of the noggin than dealing with the ball-freezing wind.
It’s so damn cold out that I can’t exercise. Tis a titch too cold for a dip in Lake Michigan, see. Plus, the gyms around here blow donk, so no exercise for McCrabby…at least not for another week or so.
In short, this is the shittiest winter ever…. so far. I can’t do it anymore so I quit.
2) Here’s where I’ll be spending my newfound free time.
For you serfs who don’t know any better, Cruz Bay is on St. John, and St. John is part of the USVI, or United States Virgin Islands. It’s one of my fave places to go to in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to sip Cruzan Rum whilst watching the hermit crab races after witnessing the green flash as the sun sets over the Caribbean. When I’m done with that bit of entertainment, I’ll take my top off and run through the streets of Cruz Bay.
One of the many great things about St. John is the entire island is a national park so there aren’t any private beaches. But, it’s ok to get drunk and flash your boobs too.
3) So the Winter Olympics are coming up and get this–
It’s warmer in Sochi, Russia than it is in Chicago. That ain’t right. But then again, Sochi is considered the tropical resort town of Russia, so it totally makes sense to have the Winter Olympics there, right?
4) Ahem.
Bite me, Alaska.
5) This song makes me think of the beach, the tropics, the sand..men with surfboards..
Enjoy!
(pardon the cheesiness of this vidya..it was the best recording though)
For those who want to eat ass, without actually eating ass…
I present The Edible Anus!
Now, you too can eat ass that is not only tasty, but is free of that troublesome fecal matter.
This is a most tasty treat, it’s probably as good as crack too! Just remember that after eating, you wipe your mouth very carefully, then wipe it one more time…front to back. Ingredients include ‘traces of nuts and milk protein’… and probably corn.
If you don’t buy ’em, you’re a butthole bigot.
But in all fairness, it probably tastes like ass though.
And on that note, I’m off. I’m a little behind in my day, so toodles!
(h/t to Brian, Amy, Lori, Leigh, Pete, Elliot, Bob and the Internets for inspiration.)
So, I done gone and dislocated my right shoulder. I spent a few hours in a Chicago ER crying and writhing in pain–totally being ignored by ‘the best health care in the world.’ Not good. After a fentanyl drip, two batches of x-rays and being “out” when the docs jammed my shoulder back where it belongs, I finally went home. You’d think that would be it, but NO. It wasn’t until after I got home some 6 hours after I was wheeled into the busy ER, that I realized my left arm was seriously injured (have a bruise that looks like an eggplant), and I had contracted a nasty case of frost bite….yes, FROST BITE.. on my left hand.
Frost bite? Where am I? Mt. Everest?
Over the next few days, the shoulder pain turned into to a dull ache, and the pain of the frost bite and bruised arm came roaring in. Sure, I had good drugs, but I can’t handle the strong stuff. Hey, I have a hard enough time maintaining control of all four limbs without big pharma..why would I want to dull my senses and possibly bust my noggin?
While it is better, I am treating myself to an MRI on Friday, so when I meet with my bone doc next week, I’ll know if surgery is the answer or a bionic arm.
I’m going for the bionic arm because fuck yeah.
On with the show.
1) It’s 111 degrees on the Australian Open courts.
Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan receives treatment by trainers at the Australian Open tennis championship, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014.(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)
2) While we’re on the subject of tennis, I’d be happy to de-crampify either of these gentlemen’s asses should they start to feel the heat down there.
The Ass Master: Roger Federer (via Men’s Tennis Forum)
Rafa Nadal’s good side.
Even when Rafa’s picking his seat, it’s still sexy.
3) Folks, we gotta figure out a way to keep society from sliding down Crap Mountain.
Sadly, this ain’t helping.
No, no they don’t. Men don’t want to wear something that’ll make them look like a Ken doll.
Unless you’re running down the … No. No. These aren’t appropriate ever.
4) She’s my idol.
(via Gawker)
She rolls hard. With a tiara.
Go Granny!
5) Here’s some food for thought: If an owl was really attacking you, you’d know it.
Bored owls are fun owls!
mccrabass 